The Awakening

In This Era of technology, in this atomic age, the values have changed.

We have learned that we are the guests of existence, travelers between two stations.

We must discover security within ourselves.

I see so many people looking for approval by how many likes they have on their daily social media posts.

Hoping that maybe today they can feel secure within their skin, they are putting their security in others.

,

During our short span of life we must find our own insights into our relationships with the existence in which we participate so briefly.
Otherwise we cannot live.

This means, as I see it, a departure from the materialistic view of the 20th century.
It means reawakening of the spiritual world, of our inner life of religion.
I don’t mean religion as a dogma or as a church, but as a vital feeling.
Accept others just as they are. Most of all, Accept yourself …… for you, hold the whole world within you. 

Be great in all that You are! 
Jesus said it best….Luke 9:48 ~The Message
“You become great by accepting, not asserting. Your spirit, not your size, makes the difference.”

                                                                                                                                          ~SweetlyFierceSoul

Musing The Quest.

I’ve been pondering over the many years of research I have done and why I am still lagging on putting the information in a recognizable order. It would seem as if I am making it harder on myself than it truly needs to be. Why? Self sabotage has kinda been a hinderance in my life. When ever I am really good at something I tend to cause a wrinkle for myself. Am I scared of losing what I am so good-by the hand of someone else…maybe. Or am I chicken shit? hmmm also maybe.  As I look at my bookshelf filled with notebooks of my notes and what would seem useless to anyone other than me, holds true gold.  Knowledge of me finding myself within a digital age.  Years where I didn’t leave the house because I was trying to cypher the inner workings of a passage that caught my eye….  I think I enjoy the Quest itself. Maybe the reason why I am unable or unwilling to write out what I know is fear of someone saying my quest was a waste of time. Thinking this truly hurts my heart. As it would any artist, musician, or author.  This is a SHITTY feeling. Wow…. I don’t want to be scared of someone not understanding or not believing what I create. I want to be bold and unashamed of the ideas and thoughts that are constantly rushing through my veins.   Thats when I read this passage from Elbert Hubbard’s Scrapbook.  He brought me back to a place where for a moment i dont feel so alone.

Keats’ dream of ” a very pleasant life.”

” I had an idea that a Man might pass a very pleasant life in this manner: Let him on a certain day read a certain page of full Posey or distilled Prose, and let him wander with it, and muse upon it, and reflect from it, and dream upon it: until it becomes stale– But when will it do so? Never– When a man/woman has arrived at a certain ripeness in intellect any one grand and spiritual passage serves him as a starting-post towards all the ‘two-and-thirty Palaces’ How happy is such a voyage of conception, what delicious, diligent indolence !”

Keats’ Explained perfectly how I am feeling….that delicious bounce of joy when something hits a sense that causes everything within starts firing rapidly. I waited for this to get stale and fade away, but it has only gotten strong and more focused. This is what It feels like for me when I find some sort of knowledge that interests me.  Seeing from all points of view without judgment or fear just following the imagination and what might be left out from what is already known. I start backwards.

So I say again. Maybe My dream is the Quest. The quest of wanting knowledge and answers where others say there is none.  What I truly know is, ” I Have a Dream!”

Risk It

(To be so open and free within ones self, to allow the music to flow. Risk it).. ~sweetlyfiercesoul

“Every cell is transforming

And returning to original concepts to construct
And then I started to shapeshift
And the animals within me grew tails and the talons

I hitched a ride on the back of a whale
To the darkest of the ocean and ate off the bottom
And then I traveled dimensions
In the places I rode upon elephants and zebras

Elephants and zebras

Well I dreamed of my future big time, yeah
What it would be like to always have clean water
And if you left the trees standing
And they filtered the air and we breathed it in deeply
Well I traveled across Native America
I saw the sickness taking form in all the small children
Well if I could give you my people, yeah
Well a piece of my peace will be with you always
If I could give you my people, yeah
Well a piece of my peace will be with you always

Be with you always
Be with you always

I never thought I needed medicine but I was spiritually dying
I needed some healing
So I opened my mouth and took a dose of the music
Then I stopped and prayed for guidance now teach me to use it
I prayed for guidance yeah teach me to use it
I prayed for guidance now give me the music

And it definitely matters how you look at it
And it definitely matters how you look at it
So if you think you can risk it, well
What an opportunity to be free of it
Well if you think you can risk it, well
What an opportunity to be free of it

I heard, I heard yeah the wild horses
I were blazing trails through uncertain territory
I take a toke and reflect with coyote
I were dreaming up new ways to bring the outcasts home
I take my place in the choir
I was singing the songs of freedom and progress
And we’re delivering the babies yeah
And we’re building up the next seven generations
Said we’re delivering the babies yeah
And we’re building up the next seven generations

Seven generations
Seven generations

I never thought I needed medicine but I was spiritually dying
I needed some healing
So I opened my mouth and took a dose of the music
Then I stopped and prayed for guidance now teach me to use it
I prayed for guidance now teach me to use it
I prayed for guidance now give me the music

And it definitely matters how you look at it
And it definitely matters how you look at it
So if you think you can risk it, well
What an opportunity to be free of it
Said if you think you can risk it, well
What an opportunity to be free of it

Mouthing off
Such aggressive behavior
I’m sounding off
Holding my temper
It comes in waves
My enemies swim close to me
My heart’s displaced
Connected to such bravery
My hunger waits
I cannot swallow, I cannot swallow
I am all over the place
My spirit bellows, my spirit bellows
I am on my way
My body follows, my body follows
Written on my face
Well do not follow, do not follow…me”

Tears of Growth

Living Growth

“Her wounds of silent tears
bubble overflowing;
showing those of us who love her,
That her sweetly fierce soul is
forever growing”.  ~sweetlyfiercesoul

Light of Love

Light of Love

 

 Twilight was misty and cold in California that night as I stood outside my father’s house. I was 16 holding only a small brown leather purse with a few dollars. I Stared at the unlit door, knowing once again I had disappointed my family.  I thought about what would happen once I walked in late for curfew once more. 

My step mother would yell and a call would be made to what ever part of the world my father happen to be for his job.   I could imagine the look on their faces; disappointment and Anger.  But it was the faces of my younger half sisters that caused me to delay walking in.  

Knowing they would hear the fighting and be awoken from their dreams. That me,  their bigger sister had been the cause of their life turning upside down for the past 8 months since I moved in. 

Right then and there I decided to walk away.  Where would I go?

My grandmother lived just across the Street yet I had once already been dragged from her house. Being told my home was through that unlit door. 

 My mother and step father 3000 miles away.  What was I doing?

In my twisted teenage mind, I thought I was saving them. Saving them from myself.  The only way I knew to protect their hearts was to remove the problem, which was me. 

So into the night I walked without saying goodbye, without looking back.

  My heart-broken for the house light that wasn’t lit. 

If they only knew just how much that light would have meant to me.

 Maybe. Just maybe I wouldn’t have followed the street lights that promised a home.  

~SweetlyFierceSoul

 

 

My Beloved Lives Within Thee,

There Is where my beloveds breath be near thee

“My mind lyrically writing the movements of my breath.

Noticing the unseen to the unaware.

Feeling the need to pen each and every scene which flashes through my mind.

Knowing, I am almost near “thee”.

“There” is the spot I feel

Pulling me near

Seeing the vision intended for truly only one, which is me

Beauty gnaws at me

For what I see

For what is this intended for, shouldn’t

All beauty radiate into the very matter of our core.

Filling the empty space within our breath.

We who share this very unworldly air.

Emerging with any and all who feel upon with knowing.

This might just be worth showing.

Right where it sleeps.

Through the shattered and hidden place of me.

Showing all the folds of me.

The pain of the void in which we see.

It touches the most inner part of me

Dark and twisting it rests

Waiting to be seen.

Light causes such unraveling.

Release of our breath.

Pens the most beautiful dark depths of me

Sending you on a  journey through my memories

Pulling and molding the essence of you through me

Waiting to yield the most tender of thee

Sharing the story of which we, “My Love”

Are meant to be

Flowing forever endlessly

Creating thee story in which maybe, just maybe

Others may see, just how sweet a pure Love can be

Freshly levitating to the eye of me

Allowing you to see all that could be

Some may call Destiny

But this is just the most inner part of me

Releasing not only one

But so much more of me

Waiting for your breath

To be penned within the beauty of  me

Holding an abundance of acceptance of Thee

For my Trust

My Love

You Did see

Allowing to be created

All I see.

The Love that lives in me.”

-sweetlyfiercesoul

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning In the Crazy

Learning Through the CrazyOnly a few who are close to me know that I had a brain injury as a result of seizures that I suffered in 2011.

I was one of those rare people who got a seizure from playing a PS3 game called Black Ops.

At the beginning of the games you normally see a warning (I should have listened) letting you know that this could happen, but to who….to me.

I seem to have the rare luck gene. I have had a few rare medical mysteries like Bells Palsy at the age 11, twisted bowel, and nerves that are in places they normally shouldn’t be.
Okay, so the first seizure I had  left the left side of my body numb for a few hours. Something I was used to because of the lasting side effects of Bells Palsy which left my left side partly numb since I was 11.

I was having horrible blinding migraines that seemed to be never-ending. For most migraine sufferers an easy shot or medication would bring relief, well, not for me. Anything that was suppose to help made me worst. A diagnosis of a Hemiplegic Migraine was given.
It’s basically a hurricane affect. A migraine starting and then building in strength starting a cycle which is very hard to stop.
I was ordered to bed in a dark room with absolutely no noise which lasted 9 weeks. I had just had my fifth child less than a year before. So having no noise was impossible. Sadly my children spent 8 weeks at their grandparents house while I was on 24 hour around the clock care.
Not only was I enduring the pain of an ongoing migraine, but was suffering 30-33 seizures a day.
This is where my life started to change.
The swelling in my brain was so great that it started to change my personality, my handwriting and my basic thoughts.
I started losing memories and forgetting to do normal everyday tasks like the need to eat. I wasn’t feeling any other pain in my body because the pain in my head was so great. My husband would find horrible bruises on my arms and legs from where I fell or banged into something which I was unaware because I just didn’t feel it.

I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

I wanted to share this because sometimes I may not make sense and I kinda ramble, but at the time it seems so clear in my head. Just know this might be the reason I sound like an alien. (I might be) 😉
My thoughts sometimes become so intense that I don’t realize just how crazy I may sound to others around me.
I went through a period of time (almost 2 years) where I truly forgot who I was. I was paranoid and really thought I was the only person on the planet. Lets just say, I thought (as well as everyone around me) I was straight up crazy.
We ended up moving in with my mother to help with the kids and help give me much-needed help of the daily responsibilities that I just wasn’t able to figure out on my own.
My hearing changed, I now hear tones and frequencies that others don’t.
My vision also changed, I see lights and beams reflecting and moving. Mostly around items that have some sort of electrical current or signal.

The way I relate to people is very different. I used to be very outgoing and unafraid to be social, but for the past few years I have literally kept myself at home because my senses are so overwhelmed when I go into crowed areas. This really is the most difficult part.  I am a singer. I have sung my whole life and now the fear of the stage is terrifying.

I’ve always been very intuitive, but after the massive headache that lasted 9 weeks something is most definitely different with in me.
Is this a blessing that I started to know quantum mechanics and algorithms, or a hinderance because I’m consumed by amazing facts that I obviously never learned from books but from random thoughts that pop into my head.
I’ve struggled with paranoia to a point where I threw all my devices into the bathtub thinking they were watching me. No joke.
I’ve come a long way without medication. Which doctors are amazed by.
I chose to ride it out. I followed the craziness into the darkness and kept asking how? or why?
with doing this I learned about such randomness but found common links in all of it.
Through all of this the one thing that kept me on a good path was music.

The vibrations and beats flowed through me like an internal language that I understand yet couldn’t write down. I struggled with expressing my feelings and point of view. I wasn’t the cuddly mama that I once was. Which for my family was like a death. It was for me also.

I was mourning my own death.

I wasnt who I was a few years ago. I am more now like I was when I was a child. I don’t worry about things. I see things with a child like imagination which I had lost during my early adult years like so many of us. The illness that I had opened the gate to that place which I thought I was locked out of forever.
So I may write from a crazy or way out there kinda way. Just know I KNOW I’M CRAZY, so therefore, I mustn’t be.?!

What I learned and still learning is…. It was me who chose to get better. That I can do anything I set my mind to. That My mind is a beautiful and complicated place filled with creative imagination that I no longer want to hide. Faith is real and lives in my every breath which I now need to share.

For my learning of who I am came from the Crazy.