Jealous creeps up and then punched me in the gut. 

Jealousy is a horrible feeling. It causes such destructive thinking.  It’s such a weird emotion for me to comprehend. It’s amazing how fast the craziness started to swell with in me when I saw he had befriended his ex on Facebook.  At first I was like Damn she is fine and of course she’s blonde, blue eyes, is a pro diver in Hawaii has had kids and still in a bikini. Wtf.   But why did these emotions get so strong like I need to be worried….I mean come on it’s is ex from when he was 18. 

Maybe it’s the fact that she was a friend to him when he was learning how to be a man. 4 years in your teens is basically the time where anyone you meet is going to be important in your life.    She helped shape the man I am married to today. For that I thank her. Even if he says he hates her…..why oh why is she on his friends list then.  I can understand  20 years of curiousity  and wanting to see into someone’s life……I feel stupid for thinking this way. 😏  

Where’s The Parents Union Rep?! I Need a Vacation!!!

Being a parent is confusing and relentlessly exhausting.  I enjoy each and everyone of my kids.

They are unique in every way. So how am I suppose to parent? What worked for one does not work for the others.  Then I have the older ones telling me I love the younger ones more because they see the discipline doesn’t fit the behavior. Oh my lordt. 😑 What works for one child doesn’t work for the others.  It’s my job as a parent to analyse, decipher, create, and put into action what will work for each child.

 

felix

Felix

With my oldest son felix [19]

 

 

 

Felixs art

Watercolor by: Felix Castro

felix artwork

Artwork by: Felix Castro

I explained life like a video game.  He understood the concept of levels and challenges to get to the Boss level.   How some areas in a person’s character needed attributes in areas they were lacking. He actually understood it in a way that he did amazing through his teenage years.  He overcame many situations with the idea of wanting to get to the “boss level”. When he was younger and would throw a fit, I would tell him to draw.He used his art to overcome his emotions.  Now he’s on the path of using his art.

He is kind and thoughtful to everyone he meets. That alone is the biggest most important lesson he could have learned!

 

bella and I

Me and Ysabella

Then there is Ysabella [oldest daughter,17].

When she was a baby she hated having her hand-held. She always had to do things herself.  A bit like myself in that way.

But again I tried to explain life the way she would understand it. She is so eager to move out and start her life. So I basically said….”you want to be an adult then, let me see it. Stop acting like a spoiled little girl and start working towards your goals“. I gave her much more freedom as long as she can follow a few simple rules. So with her I had to give freedom and trust.

Be home by curfew, leave a note if your leaving, dishes two days a week, make sure school work is done, and be kind to everyone in the house. She is so empathetic and loving.

😉 she got a great job at the hospital, is doing great in her online high school and is acting much more reliable. (fingers crossed)

image

Lilliana

 

Which brings me to the third child. 🤔

Lilliana [13] going on 45. She walks in everyday from school and announces herself, “Mama, Golden child’s home“. No joke, everyday.

So you see where I’m going with this one. 😶

I haven’t figured her out yet.  You would think after 13 years I’d understand the way she ticks…..

She is smart and she knows it. She has always been very grown up in the way she reacts, which scares me at times.

So why can’t she just do the damn dishes. How am I suppose to teach her responsibility.  Her biggest issue today is not doing her two days of dishes. So I gave her the weeks worth…..ugh, again there are dirty dishes in the sink. WHY…..

She comes home from school and sleeps. Then wakes up at midnight does her dishes and home work then back to bed. So technically she is still doing her job, but….she’s a tricky one. The only leverage I have is Wifi.  She gets All A’s in school but needs the devices for school so I can’t take them away. Oh, I  miss the good `ole days before technology.

She truly is Golden….She has so much love and brings the best smiles!

 

That brings me to the younger two.

the brothers

The Brothers

Oliver [8] and Remi [6]

Boys…..need I say more. 😜 They get away with everything.  Probably because they watch YouTube and learn everything they need to know. Plus they are so darn Cute! The energy on these two could light a city up!  I’m exhausted.

So….now that my little rant is over

 

I am just letting the world know, I NEED A VACATION!!!  I haven’t been away from the house in over 5 years.  I love my family, I love being a mom, but I really, really  could use some R&R. Wheres the Parents Union? Wouldn’t that be nice!

Hello….HR Lady…..where are you?

~sweetlyfiercesoul

Why so Hush Hush?!

hush hush of sex

Sex.

I can remember I was in third grade as a bunch of us huddled around the dictionary in our private christian school as we looked up the word sex. We giggled and whispered thinking of so many more colorful things this word could mean. Then our teacher turned the corner and we all felt instant shame as we blushed trying to hide the Webster Dictionary.

Her face was so gentle and calm as she explained that sex was merely the way of determining gender, male or female. Which she proved by showing us the definition. That seemed to be enough for the rest of the kids as they each went to their desks, but for me, I was puzzled. I knew I wasnt being told the whole truth.

Why did I feel shame at being caught looking up a word that seemed to be so “hush-hush” but according to my teacher meant something so clean-cut.

sex is not a dirty word

I grew up being taught that sex was connected to shame. The words I remember my mom using to describe this word/act the most was “nasty” and “dirty”.   It was drilled into me that sex was for marriage which a wife then submitted to her husband. Yet the bible I was told to read was riddled with metaphors of sex being beautiful and spiritual.  And if it was meant for marriage, why was I, at such a young age already questioning the facts I were told to be true.

I had been sexually abused as a child yet I never felt a complete alienation from the act itself. I knew I held power over the persons that wanted my body for their own satisfaction. I would end up going into a dream like state during the act itself. Maybe I disconnected from reality completely and that’s why I continued to be intrigued.  I was introduced to porn by the age of 4 and yes, I can still remember the images I saw from those magazines. To me I saw beautiful strong  women who caused men to bow to their will. I saw art.  It didn’t click till later what I was actually seeing.

The sexual abuse did mess with my mind  in a way that is not like most.  I wasnt fearful or scared. It was more of an annoyance because it seemed inevitable that it would happen again and again simply because I was a girl. At the time I found comfort in the attention. I was always longing for a more meaningful connection which I would get a glimpse at but in the end I was left behind in a state of confusion.

Living with divorced parents caused a deeply rooted disconnect with how I perceived a loving relationship between the world and myself.

I was a hardcore people pleaser growing up. Which would later make it hard to say “no”  in my teen years.  In the times I wanted  the sexual advances I found that I wouldn’t allow myself to say “yes” or “no” aloud. It was easier to give myself for their pleasure in the time they wanted. In that decision, I would find myself safely in that welcomed trance where nothing could touch me and in that place I found comfort. This may have been a safe place for my mind, but it did nothing for helping me with healthy sexual thoughts.

I seem to split into two. I separated my mind from my body. Two completely different entities shut off from one another.  One was that of a complete restful sleep and relaxation knowing it would be over soon. The other was watching from above seeing the complete unworldly joy in the one getting pleasure from my body.  As for me, the pleasure I felt was not physical but mental.  The curious thoughts that would go through my head were more like a scientist watching an experiment or an artist creating a masterpiece. In those moments I didn’t see shame I saw pleasure, but why wouldn’t I allow myself to get lost in the physical pleasure as well?.   Was there really something wrong with how my mind understood how sex was suppose to be perceived.
we

Why was it me that was seeing sex so differently from those who were suppose teach me and help me to grow into being a healthy adult.

And why did it bring so much shame to the world around me? Why did my body clam up whenever the subject came up yet wish I could somehow communicate the truth going on inside me. Which was I liked sex, but maybe I saw through their eyes and not my own.

Why didn’t anyone want to tell me the truth about this hidden God-given truth!

That Sex is Good.

Love your sexuality

I guess I wanted to write this to show myself  I am not ashamed of sex, but that I still have questions on why no one wants to share their sexual stories of real life. Where is the safe haven to teach that sex is okay to think about and that shame and guilt need not be present to accept ones own sexuality.

I, like everyone who has a pulse, some way or another enjoys the feelings of being aroused, in their own way.  It has the ability to lift our spirits and clear our minds.  A scientific fact, yet not many want to tackle this subject.

I’ll just leave this here. 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Day I Found You

The sun was shining as I drove down the strand.

There you were in your board shorts covered in sand.

As I came to a stop you extended your hand.

Right there in that spot I knew my heart would forever be in your hands.

You’ve loved me all these years in spite of all the tears.

Our past may have a lot of trash but our love is gonna last.

We may not know what tomorrow holds but we both promised we would be forever bold.

We walk this world together.

Upholding a life which is so much better.

You, me and God makes three.

Forever circling eternally.

So on that day of sand and light.

It’s you My Love that I hold tight.

Always and Forever

A Heavenly Sigh

Growing up in a Bible believing home is something I am forever grateful for yet am saddened by the firm approach in which it was forced on me.

My faith does not come from a book or place of worship, but from deep within me. Its an ever-present voice that guides and nurtures me right where I am.  No special rituals or songs need be heard, but my simple sigh. In my breath flows the spirit of me.

I am hesitant to write about what I believe because I want others to be able to see God as real and artistic as I do. Yet most shy away because of the guilt and shame we have been taught to associate God with.

I want my story to include how I see God or as I call Him, my creator, my love.

I see Him in all different ways, a scientist who is watching and calculating trying to improve on a spiritual level.

An artist, giving each one of us an image alike to his own but all our own.

A father, loving and guiding with a firm yet gentle hand.

A teacher, wanting to give us all the information needed to perfect ourselves.

A leader, armies of angels he commands for our ultimate well-being.

A conductor, each of us making a sound as we move making the most beautiful tune.

Most of all….My Friend.

Maybe I will never be able to capture the words needed to describe such a god, but I would not be able to remain true to myself if I did not try. For He has not only shown me miracles but allowed me to be the miracle in more ways than one.

I am not the normal in the most who believe. I am not ashamed to say I have been wrong and messed up royally along my way, and know I will again mess up in the future in some sort of way.

Knowing and believing that no matter what my choices and thoughts may be, I am loyal to the spirit which lives in me which will never leave.  For I am Him and He is me.

Be curious.

Wouldn’t you want your creation to live and see all that has been given?.

To say hello….just *sigh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Aloneness

img_4679

Sitting high up in that Maple tree.Watching the cars drive by knowing they couldn’t see me.The feeling of being high above all my problems and sadness.The sun giving the warmth and brightness of pure peace. The wind flowing and caressing my face which felt as if I was being kissed by God.

img_5696

Climbing the tree to reach my little spot high above hidden in the canopy was a journey only I could perceive to achieve, my award….was the safe aloneness to be myself.S

I knew I was safe, safe away from others knowing where I was. Knowing I was the only one there in that big maple tree.

There was a power to being alone.

I didn’t have to play a part in anyone’s story, but my own.

My imagination was full and free to create whole worlds with the people passing by to give inspiration.

img_5786
High up in that true place of oneness with myself.
Watching the ants go about their work along the branches.
The birds soaring the thermals that are ever present above my home.
I was watching a living breathing world of art that felt all my own.
My thoughts-My Voice- My visions-Me

Hoping to stay there unnoticed for as long as I could.

img_4624

Not wanting to be confined by the voices of others who couldn’t understand me.

Who wouldn’t take the time to really see me.

Breaking Chains…Creating Bonds In a Moment

 

At this very moment, I saw a chain broken and a bond strengthened.

Talking with my mom, being open and honest about how flying  back and forth across the country when I was a young girl put into motion a completely unique and different way of viewing the world..

bonds

I  started the conversation, ” hey, do you remember putting us on a plane when we were so young. How did you get through that? Wasn’t that hard to say goodbye to such small kids.” It must have been emotionally hard for her because I know how hard it would be for me. Yet I still sensed her feeling of relief for getting a break from us for awhile. Which I COMPLETELY understand. (We moms need a break too)

I started explaining to her how it felt,  growing up with such strange circumstances and that it might have created in me an unknown perception and rhythm of being.

At first, she would try to identify with me by telling of her own emotions through a similar situation while she was growing up. Playing the woe is me card. (for a minute or two)

I just wanted her to see that maybe she couldn’t know my situation because she didn’t witness these crucial moments which started to  take shape in me, but she is still needed and wanted with the acceptance only my mother could give.

I remained calm and patient knowing that this was a sudden moment where the recipe of past actions have led to this very moment of a safe openness.

How was I going to act?!. (I now held the key to change) BUT…., How was I gonna ACT?!.!

I continued to speak in  a tone of questioning with a childish bewilderment. Truly wanting her help in  solving this riddle of miscommunication between us.

Which we in turn both want to flourish and  grow into a loving encouraging source of positive energy within us.

I could feel an authoritative knowledgeable woman speaking from my lips  I finally saw/felt a woman of my very own emerge from within. For whom Ive been waiting to get a glimpse of. I was she and she me. A feeling of  connection with my self.  Knowing I am Okay

In the end of what was a brief discussion while we stood in the kitchen cooking. My mother and I bonded an unseen deep rooted connection.

We weren’t taught or given the correct tools for healing our emotions, so now we must be open and willing to learn. Which we both were.

It was within this time a healing more powerful then energy itself happened. By us connecting the dots of a cycle we no longer want to continue it sparked into motion a driving force of a new foundation of change and growth built on acceptance….

Not just within our relationship but ultimately with how we will now begin to heal others with our new source of Positive Light.  All because we started breaking the chains of emotions of which weren’t meant for us to be attached with.

Once this conversation had come to a close, a new freedom was felt within myself. I  saw the beginning of event of healing which normally would remain unseen.. Those unhealthy bonds are no longer held together with negative energy but get boosted with a  positive,  lasting,  and pure bond of positive  (Love)  energy.

Together

Today I feel as if My three year old self got the encouragement and motivations I so deeply wished for. I saw that little girl. Today I was my own angel with the help of my Many Angels. And it all happened in a moment.