Where’s The Parents Union Rep?! I Need a Vacation!!!

Being a parent is confusing and relentlessly exhausting.  I enjoy each and everyone of my kids.

They are unique in every way. So how am I suppose to parent? What worked for one does not work for the others.  Then I have the older ones telling me I love the younger ones more because they see the discipline doesn’t fit the behavior. Oh my lordt. 😑 What works for one child doesn’t work for the others.  It’s my job as a parent to analyse, decipher, create, and put into action what will work for each child.

 

felix

Felix

With my oldest son felix [19]

 

 

 

Felixs art

Watercolor by: Felix Castro

felix artwork

Artwork by: Felix Castro

I explained life like a video game.  He understood the concept of levels and challenges to get to the Boss level.   How some areas in a person’s character needed attributes in areas they were lacking. He actually understood it in a way that he did amazing through his teenage years.  He overcame many situations with the idea of wanting to get to the “boss level”. When he was younger and would throw a fit, I would tell him to draw.He used his art to overcome his emotions.  Now he’s on the path of using his art.

He is kind and thoughtful to everyone he meets. That alone is the biggest most important lesson he could have learned!

 

bella and I

Me and Ysabella

Then there is Ysabella [oldest daughter,17].

When she was a baby she hated having her hand-held. She always had to do things herself.  A bit like myself in that way.

But again I tried to explain life the way she would understand it. She is so eager to move out and start her life. So I basically said….”you want to be an adult then, let me see it. Stop acting like a spoiled little girl and start working towards your goals“. I gave her much more freedom as long as she can follow a few simple rules. So with her I had to give freedom and trust.

Be home by curfew, leave a note if your leaving, dishes two days a week, make sure school work is done, and be kind to everyone in the house. She is so empathetic and loving.

😉 she got a great job at the hospital, is doing great in her online high school and is acting much more reliable. (fingers crossed)

image

Lilliana

 

Which brings me to the third child. 🤔

Lilliana [13] going on 45. She walks in everyday from school and announces herself, “Mama, Golden child’s home“. No joke, everyday.

So you see where I’m going with this one. 😶

I haven’t figured her out yet.  You would think after 13 years I’d understand the way she ticks…..

She is smart and she knows it. She has always been very grown up in the way she reacts, which scares me at times.

So why can’t she just do the damn dishes. How am I suppose to teach her responsibility.  Her biggest issue today is not doing her two days of dishes. So I gave her the weeks worth…..ugh, again there are dirty dishes in the sink. WHY…..

She comes home from school and sleeps. Then wakes up at midnight does her dishes and home work then back to bed. So technically she is still doing her job, but….she’s a tricky one. The only leverage I have is Wifi.  She gets All A’s in school but needs the devices for school so I can’t take them away. Oh, I  miss the good `ole days before technology.

She truly is Golden….She has so much love and brings the best smiles!

 

That brings me to the younger two.

the brothers

The Brothers

Oliver [8] and Remi [6]

Boys…..need I say more. 😜 They get away with everything.  Probably because they watch YouTube and learn everything they need to know. Plus they are so darn Cute! The energy on these two could light a city up!  I’m exhausted.

So….now that my little rant is over

 

I am just letting the world know, I NEED A VACATION!!!  I haven’t been away from the house in over 5 years.  I love my family, I love being a mom, but I really, really  could use some R&R. Wheres the Parents Union? Wouldn’t that be nice!

Hello….HR Lady…..where are you?

~sweetlyfiercesoul

An Angel of My Very Own.

My Baby I lost became the Angel around me.

 

 As I lay in the emergency room bed.

   I saw the doctor’s face as he came through the sliding glass door. A look that made me feel like all the air in the world had been ripped away from my lips.

A sigh he made, with his head down, trying to avoid direct eye contact with me. A father at that moment I saw in him, from the pained look in his eyes that only a father could show.

   I looked over to my husband and knew, he too felt the news we were about to receive.

Our baby had died.

As the doctor said, “We couldn’t locate the heartbeat”.

It felt as if I, myself had no beating heart. I felt overwhelmed with such grief that I went numb.

I knew it must be for some cosmic reason that this pregnancy came to an end with such quiet intent. We drove home that late night without saying much. My eyes leaking with tears as I tried to be strong not wanting to break down and appear weak in front of my family.

The next day I went to my doctor’s office to have an ultrasound praying all the way that a miracle might happen.

There I saw a perfect little baby curled up within mine.

He would have been my fourth child, who we named Kenji.

I was told that his heart stopped beating maybe a week before.

She was amazed at how perfect he still seemed to be, all safe and cozy inside. If she didn’t know for certain his heart were not beating she would have said he’s picture perfect.

My body had not yet started to reject this life that once was.

I was told my options, of what could be done next. They could remove his tiny lemon sized body or I could allow nature to take its course. I decided to let my body release him when it was ready.

Well, two weeks went by and nothing. No pain, no bleeding….nothing.

Had they been wrong?  

So again into the doctors I went. Again with another ultrasound.

Again there he was just as perfect as he was the weeks before, frozen in time, but sadly no heart beat was heard.

They couldn’t say for sure why my body was acting as if nothing had happened, but unlike all my emotions in which the plan of pretending made everything okay.

I couldn’t fake this pain away.   Something now had to be done. My emotional and physical state all telling me I was still pregnant was too much to bear.

I chose to get the surgery so I could start to heal. A decision which was very hard to make.

Two days later….

As I waiting for the operation to start I again asked to see once more this baby inside that I would never hold, never smell his magical breath, or feel his soft skin. I would never hear him cry that I might comfort him. I needed to make sure one last time his heart beat no more. 

He truly was gone. I would now have to say good-bye for real.

When I awoke from the surgery the emotional pain that weld up inside exploded without warning.

I sobbed like never before as I held my womb, I gasped a low airy breath, releasing the words, “my baby” as I knew he was no more inside me.

He would be 9 this year and quite the handful I am sure. I can see his smile and crazy hair as he runs through the door. A smile just for me, his mama. In those visions he lives Perfect as perfect can be.

Yes, it was hard to get through these emotions.  It’s most difficult when I say I have 5 children because really I have six.

He was real and he did live.

His beating heart I once heard and continue to hear. He’s with me everyday.  

An angel of my very own which my body once held.

Never will you be forgotten my little one for it’s you who allowed me to grieve for the life that was lost in me.

My tears of sadness did finally flow allowing tears of joy to grow.

Thank you Kenji! 

Love you,  Mama