In This Era of technology, in this atomic age, the values have changed.
We have learned that we are the guests of existence, travelers between two stations.
We must discover security within ourselves.
I see so many people looking for approval by how many likes they have on their daily social media posts.
Hoping that maybe today they can feel secure within their skin, they are putting their security in others.
During our short span of life we must find our own insights into our relationships with the existence in which we participate so briefly.
Otherwise we cannot live.
This means, as I see it, a departure from the materialistic view of the 20th century.
It means reawakening of the spiritual world, of our inner life of religion.
I don’t mean religion as a dogma or as a church, but as a vital feeling.
Accept others just as they are. Most of all, Accept yourself …… for you, hold the whole world within you.
Be great in all that You are!
Jesus said it best….Luke 9:48 ~The Message
“You become great by accepting, not asserting. Your spirit, not your size, makes the difference.”
Sometimes it feels as if I am a figurine that is kept on the shelf or still in its box for fear of being broken or damaged.
When I was a child my grandma would send me christmas presents like the Holiday collectors Barbie and Cabbage Patch Kids. My mom wouldn’t let me play with them because she knew they were expensive. So she would pack them away in her hope chest.
After much pleading and many years later she finally allowed me to have them. Of course they got dirty and a little roughed up, but they brought so much joy because they were a gift meant for only me. They filled my time with imagination which made me smile.
The Gifts I have been given that reside deep with in are feeling the same way. We are all given something special that was meant for only us to cultivate and grow into something that we then spread to the world in service. In doing this we then share our gift to the world.
Which is our way of saying Thank You to God. ~sweetlyfiercesoul
As I lay in the emergency room bed.
I saw the doctor’s face as he came through the sliding glass door. A look that made me feel like all the air in the world had been ripped away from my lips.
A sigh he made, with his head down, trying to avoid direct eye contact with me. A father at that moment I saw in him, from the pained look in his eyes that only a father could show.
I looked over to my husband and knew, he too felt the news we were about to receive.
Our baby had died.
As the doctor said, “We couldn’t locate the heartbeat”.
It felt as if I, myself had no beating heart. I felt overwhelmed with such grief that I went numb.
I knew it must be for some cosmic reason that this pregnancy came to an end with such quiet intent. We drove home that late night without saying much. My eyes leaking with tears as I tried to be strong not wanting to break down and appear weak in front of my family.
The next day I went to my doctor’s office to have an ultrasound praying all the way that a miracle might happen.
There I saw a perfect little baby curled up within mine.
He would have been my fourth child, who we named Kenji.
I was told that his heart stopped beating maybe a week before.
She was amazed at how perfect he still seemed to be, all safe and cozy inside. If she didn’t know for certain his heart were not beating she would have said he’s picture perfect.
My body had not yet started to reject this life that once was.
I was told my options, of what could be done next. They could remove his tiny lemon sized body or I could allow nature to take its course. I decided to let my body release him when it was ready.
Well, two weeks went by and nothing. No pain, no bleeding….nothing.
Had they been wrong?
So again into the doctors I went. Again with another ultrasound.
Again there he was just as perfect as he was the weeks before, frozen in time, but sadly no heart beat was heard.
They couldn’t say for sure why my body was acting as if nothing had happened, but unlike all my emotions in which the plan of pretending made everything okay.
I couldn’t fake this pain away. Something now had to be done. My emotional and physical state all telling me I was still pregnant was too much to bear.
I chose to get the surgery so I could start to heal. A decision which was very hard to make.
Two days later….
As I waiting for the operation to start I again asked to see once more this baby inside that I would never hold, never smell his magical breath, or feel his soft skin. I would never hear him cry that I might comfort him. I needed to make sure one last time his heart beat no more.
He truly was gone. I would now have to say good-bye for real.
When I awoke from the surgery the emotional pain that weld up inside exploded without warning.
I sobbed like never before as I held my womb, I gasped a low airy breath, releasing the words, “my baby” as I knew he was no more inside me.
He would be 9 this year and quite the handful I am sure. I can see his smile and crazy hair as he runs through the door. A smile just for me, his mama. In those visions he lives Perfect as perfect can be.
Yes, it was hard to get through these emotions. It’s most difficult when I say I have 5 children because really I have six.
He was real and he did live.
His beating heart I once heard and continue to hear. He’s with me everyday.
An angel of my very own which my body once held.
Never will you be forgotten my little one for it’s you who allowed me to grieve for the life that was lost in me.
My tears of sadness did finally flow allowing tears of joy to grow.
Thank you Kenji!
Love you, Mama
The morning of September 11, 2001 was that of a clear beautiful sky. The sun was shinning as we drove across the country in our little Toyota car pulling a Uhaul that looked like it was constructed in the fifties.
We had left Wisconsin to start a new beginning in our hometown of Oceanside, California. A move we had been looking forward to for awhile.
We were crossing Nebraska, an endless landscape of green plains and farming fields. As I looked out at the sight before me I noticed that I hadn’t seen any planes or jet lines in the sky. I have always looked to the sky because my father is a pilot. So seeing no planes was odd.
This was the Bluest most lonely sky I have ever seen, and I knew something must not be right. I was not prepared for what we were about to find out, the US had been attacked.
Fear and worry instantly filled me. I mean, come on, we were in the middle of nowhere. What danger might come about we were unaware, but we prayed we would reach our new home with no real issues.
We weren’t quite sure just how bad things were until we stopped to get gas and the line of cars was unbelievable. Gas prices were getting higher and higher in the smaller towns were drove through only for a short bit, thank God. Then the truth of what really happened hit hard when we stopped at a fast food restaurant. On the counter was an old antennae tv showing the planes hit the twin towers. I can remember the tears welling up as I held my breath. “Could this really be happening”? My husband put his arm around me and simply said. “We can do this”. I looked down at my children and smiled trying to show them all was okay.
So many thoughts were flooding through my mind, some were a little far fetched, like, “Holy shit it’s the end of the world and we might have to eat our little Lhasa Apso dog named Saki, or maybe we couldn’t even get to California….what were our options?”.
I’m sure we all had those weird off the wall thinking before we really knew what was happening. For us, we were on a mission to not only reach our destination but to live in the moment. I wasn’t going to allow the hate of another ruin our memories or taint our new beginning.
We decided to turn the radio off since there wasn’t anything we could do to but pray to change what was happening not just in New York but all over the country. We started singing children’s songs and playing car games so the energy in the car was that of peace and stillness.
After we made the faithful choice to put our trip in the hands of God the journey became that of new eyes. People everywhere were stressed and scared scurrying about trying to buy whatever they could for the fear of being without. Yet we were safe and purely happy in our little bubble.
Yes, I was still thinking of what was the reality of the moment, but it was hard not to have faith. I believe in something bigger than myself.
The next day we had car trouble and had to get our alternator replaced. Money was already tight, but we again had faith. The small garage we stopped at not only fixed the car in record time but did it free of charge because the credit card machines were down. What a blessing and a sign that we were in the hands of safety. Good people are everywhere and their lights shine in the darkest of hours. I am thankful for the all the kind people we encountered during this move. “Thank You”!
Everything had a more colorful vibrancy. This I give credit to my faith.
I imagined the families crossing on the Oregon Trail and being thankful I didn’t have to deal with grandma dying, johnny losing an arm,or Indians attacking us. (for all of you that know the game Oregon Trail) LOL
Yet, here we were dealing with trials of a different kind, but the common ground I held with the days of the past were that of faith of getting to a new home.
As we stood at a rest stop in Colorado high above the land on top of a mountain I saw more than just troubled times. I saw beauty unlike I have seen before. I was thankful for where we were and wished that everyone grieving could for but a moment stand there next to me to take in the landscape to bring just a moment of joy a moment of the bigger picture.
I was looking at the Land of the Free a land being attacked by hate and ugly intentions. Brave, Free men and women willing to fight for our country and in that moment I knew we as Americans would be okay….We would be also.
Our country is founded on dreams and visions of a better way of life. This one day caused such sadness for millions. It was a day where ordinary people became heroes when they helped their fellow man.
I am forever thankful that I was able to stand on top of that mountain in the fresh air and sun shining on my face. I feel incredibly lucky to have been Given such the pleasure of that feeling.