As I lay in the emergency room bed.
I saw the doctor’s face as he came through the sliding glass door. A look that made me feel like all the air in the world had been ripped away from my lips.
A sigh he made, with his head down, trying to avoid direct eye contact with me. A father at that moment I saw in him, from the pained look in his eyes that only a father could show.
I looked over to my husband and knew, he too felt the news we were about to receive.
Our baby had died.
As the doctor said, “We couldn’t locate the heartbeat”.
It felt as if I, myself had no beating heart. I felt overwhelmed with such grief that I went numb.
I knew it must be for some cosmic reason that this pregnancy came to an end with such quiet intent. We drove home that late night without saying much. My eyes leaking with tears as I tried to be strong not wanting to break down and appear weak in front of my family.
The next day I went to my doctor’s office to have an ultrasound praying all the way that a miracle might happen.
There I saw a perfect little baby curled up within mine.
He would have been my fourth child, who we named Kenji.
I was told that his heart stopped beating maybe a week before.
She was amazed at how perfect he still seemed to be, all safe and cozy inside. If she didn’t know for certain his heart were not beating she would have said he’s picture perfect.
My body had not yet started to reject this life that once was.
I was told my options, of what could be done next. They could remove his tiny lemon sized body or I could allow nature to take its course. I decided to let my body release him when it was ready.
Well, two weeks went by and nothing. No pain, no bleeding….nothing.
Had they been wrong?
So again into the doctors I went. Again with another ultrasound.
Again there he was just as perfect as he was the weeks before, frozen in time, but sadly no heart beat was heard.
They couldn’t say for sure why my body was acting as if nothing had happened, but unlike all my emotions in which the plan of pretending made everything okay.
I couldn’t fake this pain away. Something now had to be done. My emotional and physical state all telling me I was still pregnant was too much to bear.
I chose to get the surgery so I could start to heal. A decision which was very hard to make.
Two days later….
As I waiting for the operation to start I again asked to see once more this baby inside that I would never hold, never smell his magical breath, or feel his soft skin. I would never hear him cry that I might comfort him. I needed to make sure one last time his heart beat no more.
He truly was gone. I would now have to say good-bye for real.
When I awoke from the surgery the emotional pain that weld up inside exploded without warning.
I sobbed like never before as I held my womb, I gasped a low airy breath, releasing the words, “my baby” as I knew he was no more inside me.
He would be 9 this year and quite the handful I am sure. I can see his smile and crazy hair as he runs through the door. A smile just for me, his mama. In those visions he lives Perfect as perfect can be.
Yes, it was hard to get through these emotions. It’s most difficult when I say I have 5 children because really I have six.
He was real and he did live.
His beating heart I once heard and continue to hear. He’s with me everyday.
An angel of my very own which my body once held.
Never will you be forgotten my little one for it’s you who allowed me to grieve for the life that was lost in me.
My tears of sadness did finally flow allowing tears of joy to grow.
Thank you Kenji!
Love you, Mama