“O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us to see oursels as ithers see us!”
“Sometimes we find a clue in some chance remark made by an old friend.
Maybe something we’ve read sparks a glimpse of who we really are.
Fleeting thoughts which we meditate on through out the day
Bringing us closer to who we are.
Bit by bit self-knowledge grows.
An Awareness of all things, “self”
It does not come easy and perhaps this very awareness of the difficulty sustains us,
Spurs us on toward the ever receding goal.
For the self-knowledge we seek
rising above our social vanities and pride and the impressions we make is a full-time, lifelong job.”
“I deserve Beautiful visions.
I deserve Love.
I Validate Myself.”
Twilight was misty and cold in California that night as I stood outside my father’s house. I was 16 holding only a small brown leather purse with a few dollars. I Stared at the unlit door, knowing once again I had disappointed my family. I thought about what would happen once I walked in late for curfew once more.
My step mother would yell and a call would be made to what ever part of the world my father happen to be for his job. I could imagine the look on their faces; disappointment and Anger. But it was the faces of my younger half sisters that caused me to delay walking in.
Knowing they would hear the fighting and be awoken from their dreams. That me, their bigger sister had been the cause of their life turning upside down for the past 8 months since I moved in.
Right then and there I decided to walk away. Where would I go?
My grandmother lived just across the Street yet I had once already been dragged from her house. Being told my home was through that unlit door.
My mother and step father 3000 miles away. What was I doing?
In my twisted teenage mind, I thought I was saving them. Saving them from myself. The only way I knew to protect their hearts was to remove the problem, which was me.
So into the night I walked without saying goodbye, without looking back.
My heart-broken for the house light that wasn’t lit.
If they only knew just how much that light would have meant to me.
Maybe. Just maybe I wouldn’t have followed the street lights that promised a home.
We all possess amazing and truly mighty gifts.
We can master many talents with knowledge
Yet our hearts continue to achieve in vain
Still longing for a resinating musical
sound we before have not heard
When I found myself as a gift
I found the fruit of my self-control
Being Self aware
Gave me the note in need
That sweet sound
That I myself am the gift meant to be seen
You are a Gift
Shine in all Glory!
Only a few who are close to me know that I had a brain injury as a result of seizures that I suffered in 2011.
I was one of those rare people who got a seizure from playing a PS3 game called Black Ops.
At the beginning of the games you normally see a warning (I should have listened) letting you know that this could happen, but to who….to me.
I seem to have the rare luck gene. I have had a few rare medical mysteries like Bells Palsy at the age 11, twisted bowel, and nerves that are in places they normally shouldn’t be.
Okay, so the first seizure I had left the left side of my body numb for a few hours. Something I was used to because of the lasting side effects of Bells Palsy which left my left side partly numb since I was 11.
I was having horrible blinding migraines that seemed to be never-ending. For most migraine sufferers an easy shot or medication would bring relief, well, not for me. Anything that was suppose to help made me worst. A diagnosis of a Hemiplegic Migraine was given.
It’s basically a hurricane affect. A migraine starting and then building in strength starting a cycle which is very hard to stop.
I was ordered to bed in a dark room with absolutely no noise which lasted 9 weeks. I had just had my fifth child less than a year before. So having no noise was impossible. Sadly my children spent 8 weeks at their grandparents house while I was on 24 hour around the clock care.
Not only was I enduring the pain of an ongoing migraine, but was suffering 30-33 seizures a day.
This is where my life started to change.
The swelling in my brain was so great that it started to change my personality, my handwriting and my basic thoughts.
I started losing memories and forgetting to do normal everyday tasks like the need to eat. I wasn’t feeling any other pain in my body because the pain in my head was so great. My husband would find horrible bruises on my arms and legs from where I fell or banged into something which I was unaware because I just didn’t feel it.
I felt like a prisoner in my own body.
I wanted to share this because sometimes I may not make sense and I kinda ramble, but at the time it seems so clear in my head. Just know this might be the reason I sound like an alien. (I might be) 😉
My thoughts sometimes become so intense that I don’t realize just how crazy I may sound to others around me.
I went through a period of time (almost 2 years) where I truly forgot who I was. I was paranoid and really thought I was the only person on the planet. Lets just say, I thought (as well as everyone around me) I was straight up crazy.
We ended up moving in with my mother to help with the kids and help give me much-needed help of the daily responsibilities that I just wasn’t able to figure out on my own.
My hearing changed, I now hear tones and frequencies that others don’t.
My vision also changed, I see lights and beams reflecting and moving. Mostly around items that have some sort of electrical current or signal.
The way I relate to people is very different. I used to be very outgoing and unafraid to be social, but for the past few years I have literally kept myself at home because my senses are so overwhelmed when I go into crowed areas. This really is the most difficult part. I am a singer. I have sung my whole life and now the fear of the stage is terrifying.
I’ve always been very intuitive, but after the massive headache that lasted 9 weeks something is most definitely different with in me.
Is this a blessing that I started to know quantum mechanics and algorithms, or a hinderance because I’m consumed by amazing facts that I obviously never learned from books but from random thoughts that pop into my head.
I’ve struggled with paranoia to a point where I threw all my devices into the bathtub thinking they were watching me. No joke.
I’ve come a long way without medication. Which doctors are amazed by.
I chose to ride it out. I followed the craziness into the darkness and kept asking how? or why?
with doing this I learned about such randomness but found common links in all of it.
Through all of this the one thing that kept me on a good path was music.
The vibrations and beats flowed through me like an internal language that I understand yet couldn’t write down. I struggled with expressing my feelings and point of view. I wasn’t the cuddly mama that I once was. Which for my family was like a death. It was for me also.
I was mourning my own death.
I wasnt who I was a few years ago. I am more now like I was when I was a child. I don’t worry about things. I see things with a child like imagination which I had lost during my early adult years like so many of us. The illness that I had opened the gate to that place which I thought I was locked out of forever.
So I may write from a crazy or way out there kinda way. Just know I KNOW I’M CRAZY, so therefore, I mustn’t be.?!
What I learned and still learning is…. It was me who chose to get better. That I can do anything I set my mind to. That My mind is a beautiful and complicated place filled with creative imagination that I no longer want to hide. Faith is real and lives in my every breath which I now need to share.
For my learning of who I am came from the Crazy.
There you were in your board shorts covered in sand.
As I came to a stop you extended your hand.
Right there in that spot I knew my heart would forever be in your hands.
You’ve loved me all these years in spite of all the tears.
Our past may have a lot of trash but our love is gonna last.
We may not know what tomorrow holds but we both promised we would be forever bold.
We walk this world together.
Upholding a life which is so much better.
You, me and God makes three.
Forever circling eternally.
So on that day of sand and light.
It’s you My Love that I hold tight.
Always and Forever
Boundaries set for easy flow with others
Only seeing the good in you
My imagination is my biggest test yet most beautiful resource.
Every moment bringing in more data of a fastly moving world before me.
My mind instantly uploaded into the air
Braided with yours
Knowing my fears will not become your nightmares
Your fears leave with me, safely placed with mine
Love you feel within a still small place
The fears become the artwork of my imagination
Seeing all that is true and raw
As I pull through my mind I see you
In that truth I am free.
I want the voice I give with words to be received with an interpretation in love and thought. Uplifting for all who encounter me. Without judgment and a willingness to grow. A passion for people and the energy we generate with words brings about a beautiful reaction.