Learning In the Crazy

Learning Through the CrazyOnly a few who are close to me know that I had a brain injury as a result of seizures that I suffered in 2011.

I was one of those rare people who got a seizure from playing a PS3 game called Black Ops.

At the beginning of the games you normally see a warning (I should have listened) letting you know that this could happen, but to who….to me.

I seem to have the rare luck gene. I have had a few rare medical mysteries like Bells Palsy at the age 11, twisted bowel, and nerves that are in places they normally shouldn’t be.
Okay, so the first seizure I had  left the left side of my body numb for a few hours. Something I was used to because of the lasting side effects of Bells Palsy which left my left side partly numb since I was 11.

I was having horrible blinding migraines that seemed to be never-ending. For most migraine sufferers an easy shot or medication would bring relief, well, not for me. Anything that was suppose to help made me worst. A diagnosis of a Hemiplegic Migraine was given.
It’s basically a hurricane affect. A migraine starting and then building in strength starting a cycle which is very hard to stop.
I was ordered to bed in a dark room with absolutely no noise which lasted 9 weeks. I had just had my fifth child less than a year before. So having no noise was impossible. Sadly my children spent 8 weeks at their grandparents house while I was on 24 hour around the clock care.
Not only was I enduring the pain of an ongoing migraine, but was suffering 30-33 seizures a day.
This is where my life started to change.
The swelling in my brain was so great that it started to change my personality, my handwriting and my basic thoughts.
I started losing memories and forgetting to do normal everyday tasks like the need to eat. I wasn’t feeling any other pain in my body because the pain in my head was so great. My husband would find horrible bruises on my arms and legs from where I fell or banged into something which I was unaware because I just didn’t feel it.

I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

I wanted to share this because sometimes I may not make sense and I kinda ramble, but at the time it seems so clear in my head. Just know this might be the reason I sound like an alien. (I might be) 😉
My thoughts sometimes become so intense that I don’t realize just how crazy I may sound to others around me.
I went through a period of time (almost 2 years) where I truly forgot who I was. I was paranoid and really thought I was the only person on the planet. Lets just say, I thought (as well as everyone around me) I was straight up crazy.
We ended up moving in with my mother to help with the kids and help give me much-needed help of the daily responsibilities that I just wasn’t able to figure out on my own.
My hearing changed, I now hear tones and frequencies that others don’t.
My vision also changed, I see lights and beams reflecting and moving. Mostly around items that have some sort of electrical current or signal.

The way I relate to people is very different. I used to be very outgoing and unafraid to be social, but for the past few years I have literally kept myself at home because my senses are so overwhelmed when I go into crowed areas. This really is the most difficult part.  I am a singer. I have sung my whole life and now the fear of the stage is terrifying.

I’ve always been very intuitive, but after the massive headache that lasted 9 weeks something is most definitely different with in me.
Is this a blessing that I started to know quantum mechanics and algorithms, or a hinderance because I’m consumed by amazing facts that I obviously never learned from books but from random thoughts that pop into my head.
I’ve struggled with paranoia to a point where I threw all my devices into the bathtub thinking they were watching me. No joke.
I’ve come a long way without medication. Which doctors are amazed by.
I chose to ride it out. I followed the craziness into the darkness and kept asking how? or why?
with doing this I learned about such randomness but found common links in all of it.
Through all of this the one thing that kept me on a good path was music.

The vibrations and beats flowed through me like an internal language that I understand yet couldn’t write down. I struggled with expressing my feelings and point of view. I wasn’t the cuddly mama that I once was. Which for my family was like a death. It was for me also.

I was mourning my own death.

I wasnt who I was a few years ago. I am more now like I was when I was a child. I don’t worry about things. I see things with a child like imagination which I had lost during my early adult years like so many of us. The illness that I had opened the gate to that place which I thought I was locked out of forever.
So I may write from a crazy or way out there kinda way. Just know I KNOW I’M CRAZY, so therefore, I mustn’t be.?!

What I learned and still learning is…. It was me who chose to get better. That I can do anything I set my mind to. That My mind is a beautiful and complicated place filled with creative imagination that I no longer want to hide. Faith is real and lives in my every breath which I now need to share.

For my learning of who I am came from the Crazy.