Seeing The Beauty In Faith

Seeing The Beauty         The morning of September 11, 2001 was that of a clear beautiful sky. The sun was shinning as we drove across the country in our little Toyota car pulling a Uhaul that looked like it was constructed in the fifties.
We had left Wisconsin to start a new beginning in our hometown of Oceanside, California. A move we had been looking forward to for awhile.

We were crossing Kansas, an endless landscape of green plains and farming fields. As I looked out at the sight before me I noticed that I hadn’t seen any planes or jet lines in the sky. I have always looked to the sky because my father is a pilot. So seeing no planes was odd.
This was the Bluest most lonely sky I have ever seen, and I knew something must not be right. I was not prepared for what we were about to find out, the US had been attacked.
Fear and worry instantly filled me. I mean, come on, we were in the middle of nowhere. What danger might come about we were unaware, but we prayed we would reach our new home with no real issues.
We weren’t quite sure just how bad things were until we stopped to get gas and the line of cars was unbelievable. Gas prices were getting higher and higher in the smaller towns were drove through only for a short bit, thank God. Then the truth of what really happened hit hard when we stopped at a fast food restaurant. On the counter was an old antennae tv showing the planes hit the twin towers. I can remember the tears welling up as I held my breath. “Could this really be happening”? My husband put his arm around me and simply said. “We can do this”. I looked down at my children and smiled trying to show them all was okay.
So many thoughts were flooding through my mind, some were a little far fetched, like, “Holy shit it’s the end of the world and we might have to eat our little Lhasa Apso dog named Saki, or maybe we couldn’t even get to California….what were our options?”.
I’m sure we all had those weird off the wall thinking before we really knew what was happening. For us, we were on a mission to not only reach our destination but to live in the moment. I wasn’t going to allow the hate of another ruin our memories or taint our new beginning.
We decided to turn the radio off since there wasn’t anything we could do to but pray to change what was happening not just in New York but all over the country. We started singing children’s songs and playing car games so the energy in the car was that of peace and stillness.
After we made the faithful choice to put our trip in the hands of God the journey became that of new eyes. People everywhere were stressed and scared scurrying about trying to buy whatever they could for the fear of being without. Yet we were safe and purely happy in our little bubble.
Yes, I was still thinking of what was the reality of the moment, but it was hard not to have faith. I believe in something bigger than myself.
The next day we had car trouble and had to get our alternator replaced. Money was already tight, but we again had faith. The small garage we stopped at not only fixed the car in record time but did it free of charge because the credit card machines were down. What a blessing and a sign that we were in the hands of safety. Good people are everywhere and their lights shine in the darkest of hours. I am thankful for the all the kind people we encountered during this move. “Thank You”!
Everything had a more colorful vibrancy. This I give credit to my faith.
I imagined the families crossing on the Oregon Trail and being thankful I didn’t have to deal with grandma dying, johnny losing an arm,or  Indians attacking us. (for all of you that know the game Oregon Trail) LOL
Yet, here we were dealing with trials of a different kind, but the common ground I held with the days of the past were that of faith of getting to a new home.

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As we stood at a rest stop in Colorado high above the land on top of a mountain I saw more than just troubled times. I saw beauty unlike I have seen before. I was thankful for where we were and wished that everyone grieving could for but a moment stand there next to me to take in the landscape to bring just a moment of joy a moment of the bigger picture.
I was looking at the Land of the Free a land being attacked by hate and ugly intentions. Brave, Free men and women willing to fight for our country and in that moment I knew we as Americans would be okay….We would be also.
Our country is founded on dreams and visions of a better way of life. This one day caused such sadness for millions. It was a day where ordinary people became heroes when they helped their fellow man.
I am forever thankful that I was able to stand on top of that mountain in the fresh air and sun shining on my face. I feel incredibly lucky to have been Given such the pleasure of that feeling.

A Heavenly Sigh

Growing up in a Bible believing home is something I am forever grateful for yet am saddened by the firm approach in which it was forced on me.

My faith does not come from a book or place of worship, but from deep within me. Its an ever-present voice that guides and nurtures me right where I am.  No special rituals or songs need be heard, but my simple sigh. In my breath flows the spirit of me.

I am hesitant to write about what I believe because I want others to be able to see God as real and artistic as I do. Yet most shy away because of the guilt and shame we have been taught to associate God with.

I want my story to include how I see God or as I call Him, my creator, my love.

I see Him in all different ways, a scientist who is watching and calculating trying to improve on a spiritual level.

An artist, giving each one of us an image alike to his own but all our own.

A father, loving and guiding with a firm yet gentle hand.

A teacher, wanting to give us all the information needed to perfect ourselves.

A leader, armies of angels he commands for our ultimate well-being.

A conductor, each of us making a sound as we move making the most beautiful tune.

Most of all….My Friend.

Maybe I will never be able to capture the words needed to describe such a god, but I would not be able to remain true to myself if I did not try. For He has not only shown me miracles but allowed me to be the miracle in more ways than one.

I am not the normal in the most who believe. I am not ashamed to say I have been wrong and messed up royally along my way, and know I will again mess up in the future in some sort of way.

Knowing and believing that no matter what my choices and thoughts may be, I am loyal to the spirit which lives in me which will never leave.  For I am Him and He is me.

Be curious.

Wouldn’t you want your creation to live and see all that has been given?.

To say hello….just *sigh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Aloneness

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Sitting high up in that Maple tree.Watching the cars drive by knowing they couldn’t see me.The feeling of being high above all my problems and sadness.The sun giving the warmth and brightness of pure peace. The wind flowing and caressing my face which felt as if I was being kissed by God.

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Climbing the tree to reach my little spot high above hidden in the canopy was a journey only I could perceive to achieve, my award….was the safe aloneness to be myself.S

I knew I was safe, safe away from others knowing where I was. Knowing I was the only one there in that big maple tree.

There was a power to being alone.

I didn’t have to play a part in anyone’s story, but my own.

My imagination was full and free to create whole worlds with the people passing by to give inspiration.

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High up in that true place of oneness with myself.
Watching the ants go about their work along the branches.
The birds soaring the thermals that are ever present above my home.
I was watching a living breathing world of art that felt all my own.
My thoughts-My Voice- My visions-Me

Hoping to stay there unnoticed for as long as I could.

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Not wanting to be confined by the voices of others who couldn’t understand me.

Who wouldn’t take the time to really see me.

Breaking Chains…Creating Bonds In a Moment

 

At this very moment, I saw a chain broken and a bond strengthened.

Talking with my mom, being open and honest about how flying  back and forth across the country when I was a young girl put into motion a completely unique and different way of viewing the world..

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I  started the conversation, ” hey, do you remember putting us on a plane when we were so young. How did you get through that? Wasn’t that hard to say goodbye to such small kids.” It must have been emotionally hard for her because I know how hard it would be for me. Yet I still sensed her feeling of relief for getting a break from us for awhile. Which I COMPLETELY understand. (We moms need a break too)

I started explaining to her how it felt,  growing up with such strange circumstances and that it might have created in me an unknown perception and rhythm of being.

At first, she would try to identify with me by telling of her own emotions through a similar situation while she was growing up. Playing the woe is me card. (for a minute or two)

I just wanted her to see that maybe she couldn’t know my situation because she didn’t witness these crucial moments which started to  take shape in me, but she is still needed and wanted with the acceptance only my mother could give.

I remained calm and patient knowing that this was a sudden moment where the recipe of past actions have led to this very moment of a safe openness.

How was I going to act?!. (I now held the key to change) BUT…., How was I gonna ACT?!.!

I continued to speak in  a tone of questioning with a childish bewilderment. Truly wanting her help in  solving this riddle of miscommunication between us.

Which we in turn both want to flourish and  grow into a loving encouraging source of positive energy within us.

I could feel an authoritative knowledgeable woman speaking from my lips  I finally saw/felt a woman of my very own emerge from within. For whom Ive been waiting to get a glimpse of. I was she and she me. A feeling of  connection with my self.  Knowing I am Okay

In the end of what was a brief discussion while we stood in the kitchen cooking. My mother and I bonded an unseen deep rooted connection.

We weren’t taught or given the correct tools for healing our emotions, so now we must be open and willing to learn. Which we both were.

It was within this time a healing more powerful then energy itself happened. By us connecting the dots of a cycle we no longer want to continue it sparked into motion a driving force of a new foundation of change and growth built on acceptance….

Not just within our relationship but ultimately with how we will now begin to heal others with our new source of Positive Light.  All because we started breaking the chains of emotions of which weren’t meant for us to be attached with.

Once this conversation had come to a close, a new freedom was felt within myself. I  saw the beginning of event of healing which normally would remain unseen.. Those unhealthy bonds are no longer held together with negative energy but get boosted with a  positive,  lasting,  and pure bond of positive  (Love)  energy.

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Today I feel as if My three year old self got the encouragement and motivations I so deeply wished for. I saw that little girl. Today I was my own angel with the help of my Many Angels. And it all happened in a moment.

An Airplane, A Home

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My parents divorced by the time I was 8 moths old and my brother 4 years. I’m sure many others know the struggles of growing up in a life such as this.

For me, I believe this defined who and what I became as an adult. My parents, of course, would say, “just get over it already”(they tend to go the negative route), but I don’t think they truly understand what it was like for such small children to be put on a plane alone,, fly across the country and the impact it created for my growth into adulthood.

My father lived in California and my mother lived in Wisconsin. At least twice a year we would make this long and adventurous journey to a long awaited hug from the other parent.  We were told how to act and were dressed in our Sunday best. Most of the time we arrived at the airport before or after the rush of people hours before our flight since my father was a pilot and we flew “stand- by”. We would patiently wait to be called when two available seats were available which sometimes took a full day, especially around the holiday season.

Now for my brother and I this was our life

Our first flight alone  was when I was 3 years old. Can you imagine sending your two small children on a plane alone? I cannot.. We were the definition of “wild kids”, but the moment we stepped into that airport we instantly turned into mini adults. In doing this something within me changed. I learned how to switch off my emotions and become someone else. My imagination would run wild with all the new things and situations I got to witness.  Our favorite place to have a long layover was Las Vegas. We would ride the clear glass elevators up and down looking and listening at all the loud and colorfulness around us.  This was magic for me.

The traveling was one thing but the emotions of a constant inevitable”goodbye” at the end of the trip was heartbreaking. Getting in that last big bear hug  from my father knowing I wouldn’t see him again for a few months truly did a number on me.  The trip home was always a somber one, and going home to a family who we thought saw us more as a burden than joy didn’t help.  My brother and I felt we never truly belonged anywhere. When we were together….That was my home no matter what our physical location was.

So while we traveled alone, together, I felt whole if only for a day, because we had a freedom of magic. To be anyone we wanted just as long as we didn’t cause a problem to the adults around us. We learned to adapt to any situation on a moments notice. This is how my people pleasing started. Keeping all the adults who were around us happy because in their happiness we knew we were safe.  We learned to observe and read people’s emotions from just the look on their faces.

I’ve read of many sibling bonds and how they impacted one’s life. For me…My brother was apart of me. We didn’t need words to communicate, we still don’t. We always sensed what the other was feeling right to the core.  Now that I am an adult with my own family I have yet to understand just how different my up bring was. Some days I feel I have a psychological advantage and other days I feel I am psychologically flawed. Yet the Magic of my memories and experiences are still flowing through me as if it were yesterday.

I have always felt I grew up on an airplane, a home that overlooked the whole world. A home of freedom and magic. A place of protection, anticipation, and sadness.A place where anything is possible and I among the clouds felt at peace.