Where’s The Parents Union Rep?! I Need a Vacation!!!

Being a parent is confusing and relentlessly exhausting.  I enjoy each and everyone of my kids.

They are unique in every way. So how am I suppose to parent? What worked for one does not work for the others.  Then I have the older ones telling me I love the younger ones more because they see the discipline doesn’t fit the behavior. Oh my lordt. 😑 What works for one child doesn’t work for the others.  It’s my job as a parent to analyse, decipher, create, and put into action what will work for each child.

 

felix

Felix

With my oldest son felix [19]

 

 

 

Felixs art

Watercolor by: Felix Castro

felix artwork

Artwork by: Felix Castro

I explained life like a video game.  He understood the concept of levels and challenges to get to the Boss level.   How some areas in a person’s character needed attributes in areas they were lacking. He actually understood it in a way that he did amazing through his teenage years.  He overcame many situations with the idea of wanting to get to the “boss level”. When he was younger and would throw a fit, I would tell him to draw.He used his art to overcome his emotions.  Now he’s on the path of using his art.

He is kind and thoughtful to everyone he meets. That alone is the biggest most important lesson he could have learned!

 

bella and I

Me and Ysabella

Then there is Ysabella [oldest daughter,17].

When she was a baby she hated having her hand-held. She always had to do things herself.  A bit like myself in that way.

But again I tried to explain life the way she would understand it. She is so eager to move out and start her life. So I basically said….”you want to be an adult then, let me see it. Stop acting like a spoiled little girl and start working towards your goals“. I gave her much more freedom as long as she can follow a few simple rules. So with her I had to give freedom and trust.

Be home by curfew, leave a note if your leaving, dishes two days a week, make sure school work is done, and be kind to everyone in the house. She is so empathetic and loving.

😉 she got a great job at the hospital, is doing great in her online high school and is acting much more reliable. (fingers crossed)

image

Lilliana

 

Which brings me to the third child. 🤔

Lilliana [13] going on 45. She walks in everyday from school and announces herself, “Mama, Golden child’s home“. No joke, everyday.

So you see where I’m going with this one. 😶

I haven’t figured her out yet.  You would think after 13 years I’d understand the way she ticks…..

She is smart and she knows it. She has always been very grown up in the way she reacts, which scares me at times.

So why can’t she just do the damn dishes. How am I suppose to teach her responsibility.  Her biggest issue today is not doing her two days of dishes. So I gave her the weeks worth…..ugh, again there are dirty dishes in the sink. WHY…..

She comes home from school and sleeps. Then wakes up at midnight does her dishes and home work then back to bed. So technically she is still doing her job, but….she’s a tricky one. The only leverage I have is Wifi.  She gets All A’s in school but needs the devices for school so I can’t take them away. Oh, I  miss the good `ole days before technology.

She truly is Golden….She has so much love and brings the best smiles!

 

That brings me to the younger two.

the brothers

The Brothers

Oliver [8] and Remi [6]

Boys…..need I say more. 😜 They get away with everything.  Probably because they watch YouTube and learn everything they need to know. Plus they are so darn Cute! The energy on these two could light a city up!  I’m exhausted.

So….now that my little rant is over

 

I am just letting the world know, I NEED A VACATION!!!  I haven’t been away from the house in over 5 years.  I love my family, I love being a mom, but I really, really  could use some R&R. Wheres the Parents Union? Wouldn’t that be nice!

Hello….HR Lady…..where are you?

~sweetlyfiercesoul

Tears of Growth

Living Growth

“Her wounds of silent tears
bubble overflowing;
showing those of us who love her,
That her sweetly fierce soul is
forever growing”.  ~sweetlyfiercesoul

Light of Love

Light of Love

 

 Twilight was misty and cold in California that night as I stood outside my father’s house. I was 16 holding only a small brown leather purse with a few dollars. I Stared at the unlit door, knowing once again I had disappointed my family.  I thought about what would happen once I walked in late for curfew once more. 

My step mother would yell and a call would be made to what ever part of the world my father happen to be for his job.   I could imagine the look on their faces; disappointment and Anger.  But it was the faces of my younger half sisters that caused me to delay walking in.  

Knowing they would hear the fighting and be awoken from their dreams. That me,  their bigger sister had been the cause of their life turning upside down for the past 8 months since I moved in. 

Right then and there I decided to walk away.  Where would I go?

My grandmother lived just across the Street yet I had once already been dragged from her house. Being told my home was through that unlit door. 

 My mother and step father 3000 miles away.  What was I doing?

In my twisted teenage mind, I thought I was saving them. Saving them from myself.  The only way I knew to protect their hearts was to remove the problem, which was me. 

So into the night I walked without saying goodbye, without looking back.

  My heart-broken for the house light that wasn’t lit. 

If they only knew just how much that light would have meant to me.

 Maybe. Just maybe I wouldn’t have followed the street lights that promised a home.  

~SweetlyFierceSoul

 

 

An Angel of My Very Own.

My Baby I lost became the Angel around me.

 

 As I lay in the emergency room bed.

   I saw the doctor’s face as he came through the sliding glass door. A look that made me feel like all the air in the world had been ripped away from my lips.

A sigh he made, with his head down, trying to avoid direct eye contact with me. A father at that moment I saw in him, from the pained look in his eyes that only a father could show.

   I looked over to my husband and knew, he too felt the news we were about to receive.

Our baby had died.

As the doctor said, “We couldn’t locate the heartbeat”.

It felt as if I, myself had no beating heart. I felt overwhelmed with such grief that I went numb.

I knew it must be for some cosmic reason that this pregnancy came to an end with such quiet intent. We drove home that late night without saying much. My eyes leaking with tears as I tried to be strong not wanting to break down and appear weak in front of my family.

The next day I went to my doctor’s office to have an ultrasound praying all the way that a miracle might happen.

There I saw a perfect little baby curled up within mine.

He would have been my fourth child, who we named Kenji.

I was told that his heart stopped beating maybe a week before.

She was amazed at how perfect he still seemed to be, all safe and cozy inside. If she didn’t know for certain his heart were not beating she would have said he’s picture perfect.

My body had not yet started to reject this life that once was.

I was told my options, of what could be done next. They could remove his tiny lemon sized body or I could allow nature to take its course. I decided to let my body release him when it was ready.

Well, two weeks went by and nothing. No pain, no bleeding….nothing.

Had they been wrong?  

So again into the doctors I went. Again with another ultrasound.

Again there he was just as perfect as he was the weeks before, frozen in time, but sadly no heart beat was heard.

They couldn’t say for sure why my body was acting as if nothing had happened, but unlike all my emotions in which the plan of pretending made everything okay.

I couldn’t fake this pain away.   Something now had to be done. My emotional and physical state all telling me I was still pregnant was too much to bear.

I chose to get the surgery so I could start to heal. A decision which was very hard to make.

Two days later….

As I waiting for the operation to start I again asked to see once more this baby inside that I would never hold, never smell his magical breath, or feel his soft skin. I would never hear him cry that I might comfort him. I needed to make sure one last time his heart beat no more. 

He truly was gone. I would now have to say good-bye for real.

When I awoke from the surgery the emotional pain that weld up inside exploded without warning.

I sobbed like never before as I held my womb, I gasped a low airy breath, releasing the words, “my baby” as I knew he was no more inside me.

He would be 9 this year and quite the handful I am sure. I can see his smile and crazy hair as he runs through the door. A smile just for me, his mama. In those visions he lives Perfect as perfect can be.

Yes, it was hard to get through these emotions.  It’s most difficult when I say I have 5 children because really I have six.

He was real and he did live.

His beating heart I once heard and continue to hear. He’s with me everyday.  

An angel of my very own which my body once held.

Never will you be forgotten my little one for it’s you who allowed me to grieve for the life that was lost in me.

My tears of sadness did finally flow allowing tears of joy to grow.

Thank you Kenji! 

Love you,  Mama

The Message that helped me find my voice again.

Since I am having one of those days where I feel I need to be brave and just rip the band aid off. I feel as if I am among friends which I thank you all for.

Here is a video of my daughter (13) and I singing.

We were having dinner at grandmas and she wanted me to hear her play this song she just learned. We didn’t practice it and its no where near perfect but its perfect to me. We did one take and this is it.

It’s amazing how we send ourselves messages without even knowing the impact it will later have on our lives. I see this and know that I am on the right path. I am saying something now.

 

The Shy Angel

An angel at my gate

A day like every other was the day we met an angel. Walking hand in hand down the alley to our little house protected by 8 foot fences.
We came upon a man sitting by our gate.

He was a short, small old man about the age of 80. His clothes looked as if they hadn’t been washed in my moons. His long silvery grey beard reached down his chest with the tangled look as that of a wandering old dog.

He was covered with dirt, sand, and mud which told the story of how this man was living. On the streets. A homeless man with no belongings was a strange site to see since mostly all the others pushed carts or carried around trashed bags filled with everything they owned. Yet here he was without a thing sitting in the hot Californian sun.  Sweat dripping down his brow as he looked to the ground when he saw us approaching.  (squatting by someones gate is normally not the thing to do)

I said hello with a smile and quickly walked through our gate.
When we reached the house my son who was 4 said, ” mama, can I bring that man some water he looks thirsty.”
How could I deny my sons kind heart of wanting to help a stranger.

I didn’t feel threatened or scared so I said, “sure”.

I made a sandwich, gathered some fruit from the top of the counter and some bottled water.
Then I stopped and thought, he’s gonna get his sandwich full of sand and dirt because of how dirty his hands were. And honestly who wants to eat a sandy sandwich. No one.

So I got a bucket of water and a wash cloth with some soap. My children and I opened our gate.

My son gave him the cold bottled water. He reached out to take the water yet still leaving his eyes to the ground. I handed him the plate of food which he gently reached for shyly.
He was in the middle of talking off his socks and shoes. Which I think he felt ashamed for doing outside my gate.  His feet held the stories of all the many miles he had traveled his life, worn, wrinkled, and dirty as could be.
I put the bucket of water beside him with the wash cloth folded over the rim and a small dry towel over the top.

I assured him he was welcomed where he choose to sit and asked if  he needed help washing his feet since he was having trouble bending over. He looked embarrassed by my request. He spoke in a shaky soft voice telling me I had already done more for him then he could ever have imagined.

We allowed him to wash up in privacy.
Through the gap in gate I saw him wash his face first then hands and feet with the bucket of soapy water. He had placed the towel down on the ground to place his wet feet.

When he was done he disposed of the dirty water at arms reach over some dying plants that needed a drink also.  Folded the wash cloth and gently put them back in place.

As he was finishing his lunch we walked back out to see if he needed or wanted anything more to eat or drink. This time when we opened the gate his head was looking up towards the sun. He had a presence of pure happiness in that moment. We were met with a smile and the brightest eyes that said “thank you”.

I had told him my son had wanted to give him some water since it was such a hot day. He looked at my son and with such gentle eyes said, “hello, I’m Thomas. You are a very brave and kind little boy. Thank you for the water”. My son looked so proud.
We exchanged some small talk which I cant recall much about.  As we said our good byes and wished each other well we left him barefoot and smiling at the sun.

Just as I closed the gate I felt I couldn’t just let him leave without giving him something more.  So I quickly turned around to let him know I would gather a few things he could use later.
I reopened the gate and….he was gone!

All that remained was empty bucket with the wash cloth folded on the rim and the folded towel placed on top.

He was just there a moment ago barefoot. How could he be gone, not even in eye site down the alley. He could barely move yet how could Thomas had managed to walk a football field length out of sight in less then 30 seconds. “What?!”

I was shocked and bewildered, “how could this old man have vanished”.
My son looked up at me with a cheeky grin, “Thomas was an angel.” He said in such a way as if he were saying, “Duh, mom”.

I felt as if we truly did see an angel. He had such a calming presence about him, unlike most people. He was so polite and inviting never asking for anything.

We never saw Thomas before or after that day, but I think of him often.
Why did he choose my gate to rest at when it was smack in the hot sun with no shade. Why us?

I guess an angel doesn’t need a reason to see if your going to lend a helping hand they just show up to see if you will.

So be kind to those you see and allow your kindness to be freely given. For this one day has brought many smiles to my face as well as my son who is now 19 and that alone is so worth so much more than I gave him, Thomas our shy angel.

 

Seeing The Beauty In Faith

Seeing The Beauty         The morning of September 11, 2001 was that of a clear beautiful sky. The sun was shinning as we drove across the country in our little Toyota car pulling a Uhaul that looked like it was constructed in the fifties.
We had left Wisconsin to start a new beginning in our hometown of Oceanside, California. A move we had been looking forward to for awhile.

We were crossing Kansas, an endless landscape of green plains and farming fields. As I looked out at the sight before me I noticed that I hadn’t seen any planes or jet lines in the sky. I have always looked to the sky because my father is a pilot. So seeing no planes was odd.
This was the Bluest most lonely sky I have ever seen, and I knew something must not be right. I was not prepared for what we were about to find out, the US had been attacked.
Fear and worry instantly filled me. I mean, come on, we were in the middle of nowhere. What danger might come about we were unaware, but we prayed we would reach our new home with no real issues.
We weren’t quite sure just how bad things were until we stopped to get gas and the line of cars was unbelievable. Gas prices were getting higher and higher in the smaller towns were drove through only for a short bit, thank God. Then the truth of what really happened hit hard when we stopped at a fast food restaurant. On the counter was an old antennae tv showing the planes hit the twin towers. I can remember the tears welling up as I held my breath. “Could this really be happening”? My husband put his arm around me and simply said. “We can do this”. I looked down at my children and smiled trying to show them all was okay.
So many thoughts were flooding through my mind, some were a little far fetched, like, “Holy shit it’s the end of the world and we might have to eat our little Lhasa Apso dog named Saki, or maybe we couldn’t even get to California….what were our options?”.
I’m sure we all had those weird off the wall thinking before we really knew what was happening. For us, we were on a mission to not only reach our destination but to live in the moment. I wasn’t going to allow the hate of another ruin our memories or taint our new beginning.
We decided to turn the radio off since there wasn’t anything we could do to but pray to change what was happening not just in New York but all over the country. We started singing children’s songs and playing car games so the energy in the car was that of peace and stillness.
After we made the faithful choice to put our trip in the hands of God the journey became that of new eyes. People everywhere were stressed and scared scurrying about trying to buy whatever they could for the fear of being without. Yet we were safe and purely happy in our little bubble.
Yes, I was still thinking of what was the reality of the moment, but it was hard not to have faith. I believe in something bigger than myself.
The next day we had car trouble and had to get our alternator replaced. Money was already tight, but we again had faith. The small garage we stopped at not only fixed the car in record time but did it free of charge because the credit card machines were down. What a blessing and a sign that we were in the hands of safety. Good people are everywhere and their lights shine in the darkest of hours. I am thankful for the all the kind people we encountered during this move. “Thank You”!
Everything had a more colorful vibrancy. This I give credit to my faith.
I imagined the families crossing on the Oregon Trail and being thankful I didn’t have to deal with grandma dying, johnny losing an arm,or  Indians attacking us. (for all of you that know the game Oregon Trail) LOL
Yet, here we were dealing with trials of a different kind, but the common ground I held with the days of the past were that of faith of getting to a new home.

faith

As we stood at a rest stop in Colorado high above the land on top of a mountain I saw more than just troubled times. I saw beauty unlike I have seen before. I was thankful for where we were and wished that everyone grieving could for but a moment stand there next to me to take in the landscape to bring just a moment of joy a moment of the bigger picture.
I was looking at the Land of the Free a land being attacked by hate and ugly intentions. Brave, Free men and women willing to fight for our country and in that moment I knew we as Americans would be okay….We would be also.
Our country is founded on dreams and visions of a better way of life. This one day caused such sadness for millions. It was a day where ordinary people became heroes when they helped their fellow man.
I am forever thankful that I was able to stand on top of that mountain in the fresh air and sun shining on my face. I feel incredibly lucky to have been Given such the pleasure of that feeling.