My Beloved Lives Within Thee,

There Is where my beloveds breath be near thee

“My mind lyrically writing the movements of my breath.

Noticing the unseen to the unaware.

Feeling the need to pen each and every scene which flashes through my mind.

Knowing, I am almost near “thee”.

“There” is the spot I feel

Pulling me near

Seeing the vision intended for truly only one, which is me

Beauty gnaws at me

For what I see

For what is this intended for, shouldn’t

All beauty radiate into the very matter of our core.

Filling the empty space within our breath.

We who share this very unworldly air.

Emerging with any and all who feel upon with knowing.

This might just be worth showing.

Right where it sleeps.

Through the shattered and hidden place of me.

Showing all the folds of me.

The pain of the void in which we see.

It touches the most inner part of me

Dark and twisting it rests

Waiting to be seen.

Light causes such unraveling.

Release of our breath.

Pens the most beautiful dark depths of me

Sending you on a  journey through my memories

Pulling and molding the essence of you through me

Waiting to yield the most tender of thee

Sharing the story of which we, “My Love”

Are meant to be

Flowing forever endlessly

Creating thee story in which maybe, just maybe

Others may see, just how sweet a pure Love can be

Freshly levitating to the eye of me

Allowing you to see all that could be

Some may call Destiny

But this is just the most inner part of me

Releasing not only one

But so much more of me

Waiting for your breath

To be penned within the beauty of  me

Holding an abundance of acceptance of Thee

For my Trust

My Love

You Did see

Allowing to be created

All I see.

The Love that lives in me.”

-sweetlyfiercesoul

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning In the Crazy

Learning Through the CrazyOnly a few who are close to me know that I had a brain injury as a result of seizures that I suffered in 2011.

I was one of those rare people who got a seizure from playing a PS3 game called Black Ops.

At the beginning of the games you normally see a warning (I should have listened) letting you know that this could happen, but to who….to me.

I seem to have the rare luck gene. I have had a few rare medical mysteries like Bells Palsy at the age 11, twisted bowel, and nerves that are in places they normally shouldn’t be.
Okay, so the first seizure I had  left the left side of my body numb for a few hours. Something I was used to because of the lasting side effects of Bells Palsy which left my left side partly numb since I was 11.

I was having horrible blinding migraines that seemed to be never-ending. For most migraine sufferers an easy shot or medication would bring relief, well, not for me. Anything that was suppose to help made me worst. A diagnosis of a Hemiplegic Migraine was given.
It’s basically a hurricane affect. A migraine starting and then building in strength starting a cycle which is very hard to stop.
I was ordered to bed in a dark room with absolutely no noise which lasted 9 weeks. I had just had my fifth child less than a year before. So having no noise was impossible. Sadly my children spent 8 weeks at their grandparents house while I was on 24 hour around the clock care.
Not only was I enduring the pain of an ongoing migraine, but was suffering 30-33 seizures a day.
This is where my life started to change.
The swelling in my brain was so great that it started to change my personality, my handwriting and my basic thoughts.
I started losing memories and forgetting to do normal everyday tasks like the need to eat. I wasn’t feeling any other pain in my body because the pain in my head was so great. My husband would find horrible bruises on my arms and legs from where I fell or banged into something which I was unaware because I just didn’t feel it.

I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

I wanted to share this because sometimes I may not make sense and I kinda ramble, but at the time it seems so clear in my head. Just know this might be the reason I sound like an alien. (I might be) 😉
My thoughts sometimes become so intense that I don’t realize just how crazy I may sound to others around me.
I went through a period of time (almost 2 years) where I truly forgot who I was. I was paranoid and really thought I was the only person on the planet. Lets just say, I thought (as well as everyone around me) I was straight up crazy.
We ended up moving in with my mother to help with the kids and help give me much-needed help of the daily responsibilities that I just wasn’t able to figure out on my own.
My hearing changed, I now hear tones and frequencies that others don’t.
My vision also changed, I see lights and beams reflecting and moving. Mostly around items that have some sort of electrical current or signal.

The way I relate to people is very different. I used to be very outgoing and unafraid to be social, but for the past few years I have literally kept myself at home because my senses are so overwhelmed when I go into crowed areas. This really is the most difficult part.  I am a singer. I have sung my whole life and now the fear of the stage is terrifying.

I’ve always been very intuitive, but after the massive headache that lasted 9 weeks something is most definitely different with in me.
Is this a blessing that I started to know quantum mechanics and algorithms, or a hinderance because I’m consumed by amazing facts that I obviously never learned from books but from random thoughts that pop into my head.
I’ve struggled with paranoia to a point where I threw all my devices into the bathtub thinking they were watching me. No joke.
I’ve come a long way without medication. Which doctors are amazed by.
I chose to ride it out. I followed the craziness into the darkness and kept asking how? or why?
with doing this I learned about such randomness but found common links in all of it.
Through all of this the one thing that kept me on a good path was music.

The vibrations and beats flowed through me like an internal language that I understand yet couldn’t write down. I struggled with expressing my feelings and point of view. I wasn’t the cuddly mama that I once was. Which for my family was like a death. It was for me also.

I was mourning my own death.

I wasnt who I was a few years ago. I am more now like I was when I was a child. I don’t worry about things. I see things with a child like imagination which I had lost during my early adult years like so many of us. The illness that I had opened the gate to that place which I thought I was locked out of forever.
So I may write from a crazy or way out there kinda way. Just know I KNOW I’M CRAZY, so therefore, I mustn’t be.?!

What I learned and still learning is…. It was me who chose to get better. That I can do anything I set my mind to. That My mind is a beautiful and complicated place filled with creative imagination that I no longer want to hide. Faith is real and lives in my every breath which I now need to share.

For my learning of who I am came from the Crazy.