I’ve been pondering over the many years of research I have done and why I am still lagging on putting the information in a recognizable order. It would seem as if I am making it harder on myself than it truly needs to be. Why? Self sabotage has kinda been a hinderance in my life. When ever I am really good at something I tend to cause a wrinkle for myself. Am I scared of losing what I am so good-by the hand of someone else…maybe. Or am I chicken shit? hmmm also maybe. As I look at my bookshelf filled with notebooks of my notes and what would seem useless to anyone other than me, holds true gold. Knowledge of me finding myself within a digital age. Years where I didn’t leave the house because I was trying to cypher the inner workings of a passage that caught my eye…. I think I enjoy the Quest itself. Maybe the reason why I am unable or unwilling to write out what I know is fear of someone saying my quest was a waste of time. Thinking this truly hurts my heart. As it would any artist, musician, or author. This is a SHITTY feeling. Wow…. I don’t want to be scared of someone not understanding or not believing what I create. I want to be bold and unashamed of the ideas and thoughts that are constantly rushing through my veins. Thats when I read this passage from Elbert Hubbard’s Scrapbook. He brought me back to a place where for a moment i dont feel so alone.
Keats’ dream of ” a very pleasant life.”
” I had an idea that a Man might pass a very pleasant life in this manner: Let him on a certain day read a certain page of full Posey or distilled Prose, and let him wander with it, and muse upon it, and reflect from it, and dream upon it: until it becomes stale– But when will it do so? Never– When a man/woman has arrived at a certain ripeness in intellect any one grand and spiritual passage serves him as a starting-post towards all the ‘two-and-thirty Palaces’ How happy is such a voyage of conception, what delicious, diligent indolence !”
Keats’ Explained perfectly how I am feeling….that delicious bounce of joy when something hits a sense that causes everything within starts firing rapidly. I waited for this to get stale and fade away, but it has only gotten strong and more focused. This is what It feels like for me when I find some sort of knowledge that interests me. Seeing from all points of view without judgment or fear just following the imagination and what might be left out from what is already known. I start backwards.
So I say again. Maybe My dream is the Quest. The quest of wanting knowledge and answers where others say there is none. What I truly know is, ” I Have a Dream!”
A few days ago its was Freezing!! then a day later it snowed now it has turned into rain.
A downpour of warm water yet it’s not melting the snow quickly. There is about 2 feet of ice snow then 2 feet of pure cloudy puffy snow. The rain is soaking in like a yummy snow cone. Just don’t eat the yellow colored…*wink
I needed to create a river in the gutter to flow down into the sewer, but the slush was a perfect Slushy consistency. So like a weirdo with my rubber boots and oversized jacket jamming to Beats1 radio on my Ipod I’m literally rowing myself nowhere.
But did I ever create a current for the whole street to be flood free.
I went to the corner to where the grates for the sewer are and shoveled them open. The people driving by slowing down to smile and give me a thumbs up.
It felt good to allow my childish imagination be allowed to explore and fix a problem instead of looking at it like a chore or job.
It made me realize just how much I look at life as a chore. everything that done seems to always have a next step. But while I was out there in the rainy snow I didn’t see any steps to follows….just what I wanted to accomplish.
Something that started out a safety measure for the many kids walking by after school as to not slip and fall…not to mention the postal service the shoveling need to get done, but I was not intending on bailing the road from sinking.
I instantly without even knowing it, my instincts choose the creative free path.
Have you allowed your inner child to help you out when you need a helping hand. I ask myself all the time, “If the little me had to spend the day with the grown up me, would I be inspired”
The morning of September 11, 2001 was that of a clear beautiful sky. The sun was shinning as we drove across the country in our little Toyota car pulling a Uhaul that looked like it was constructed in the fifties.
We had left Wisconsin to start a new beginning in our hometown of Oceanside, California. A move we had been looking forward to for awhile.
We were crossing Kansas, an endless landscape of green plains and farming fields. As I looked out at the sight before me I noticed that I hadn’t seen any planes or jet lines in the sky. I have always looked to the sky because my father is a pilot. So seeing no planes was odd.
This was the Bluest most lonely sky I have ever seen, and I knew something must not be right. I was not prepared for what we were about to find out, the US had been attacked.
Fear and worry instantly filled me. I mean, come on, we were in the middle of nowhere. What danger might come about we were unaware, but we prayed we would reach our new home with no real issues.
We weren’t quite sure just how bad things were until we stopped to get gas and the line of cars was unbelievable. Gas prices were getting higher and higher in the smaller towns were drove through only for a short bit, thank God. Then the truth of what really happened hit hard when we stopped at a fast food restaurant. On the counter was an old antennae tv showing the planes hit the twin towers. I can remember the tears welling up as I held my breath. “Could this really be happening”? My husband put his arm around me and simply said. “We can do this”. I looked down at my children and smiled trying to show them all was okay.
So many thoughts were flooding through my mind, some were a little far fetched, like, “Holy shit it’s the end of the world and we might have to eat our little Lhasa Apso dog named Saki, or maybe we couldn’t even get to California….what were our options?”.
I’m sure we all had those weird off the wall thinking before we really knew what was happening. For us, we were on a mission to not only reach our destination but to live in the moment. I wasn’t going to allow the hate of another ruin our memories or taint our new beginning.
We decided to turn the radio off since there wasn’t anything we could do to but pray to change what was happening not just in New York but all over the country. We started singing children’s songs and playing car games so the energy in the car was that of peace and stillness.
After we made the faithful choice to put our trip in the hands of God the journey became that of new eyes. People everywhere were stressed and scared scurrying about trying to buy whatever they could for the fear of being without. Yet we were safe and purely happy in our little bubble.
Yes, I was still thinking of what was the reality of the moment, but it was hard not to have faith. I believe in something bigger than myself.
The next day we had car trouble and had to get our alternator replaced. Money was already tight, but we again had faith. The small garage we stopped at not only fixed the car in record time but did it free of charge because the credit card machines were down. What a blessing and a sign that we were in the hands of safety. Good people are everywhere and their lights shine in the darkest of hours. I am thankful for the all the kind people we encountered during this move. “Thank You”!
Everything had a more colorful vibrancy. This I give credit to my faith.
I imagined the families crossing on the Oregon Trail and being thankful I didn’t have to deal with grandma dying, johnny losing an arm,or Indians attacking us. (for all of you that know the game Oregon Trail) LOL
Yet, here we were dealing with trials of a different kind, but the common ground I held with the days of the past were that of faith of getting to a new home.
As we stood at a rest stop in Colorado high above the land on top of a mountain I saw more than just troubled times. I saw beauty unlike I have seen before. I was thankful for where we were and wished that everyone grieving could for but a moment stand there next to me to take in the landscape to bring just a moment of joy a moment of the bigger picture.
I was looking at the Land of the Free a land being attacked by hate and ugly intentions. Brave, Free men and women willing to fight for our country and in that moment I knew we as Americans would be okay….We would be also.
Our country is founded on dreams and visions of a better way of life. This one day caused such sadness for millions. It was a day where ordinary people became heroes when they helped their fellow man.
I am forever thankful that I was able to stand on top of that mountain in the fresh air and sun shining on my face. I feel incredibly lucky to have been Given such the pleasure of that feeling.
Sitting high up in that Maple tree.Watching the cars drive by knowing they couldn’t see me.The feeling of being high above all my problems and sadness.The sun giving the warmth and brightness of pure peace. The wind flowing and caressing my face which felt as if I was being kissed by God.
Climbing the tree to reach my little spot high above hidden in the canopy was a journey only I could perceive to achieve, my award….was the safe aloneness to be myself.S
I knew I was safe, safe away from others knowing where I was. Knowing I was the only one there in that big maple tree.
There was a power to being alone.
I didn’t have to play a part in anyone’s story, but my own.
My imagination was full and free to create whole worlds with the people passing by to give inspiration.
High up in that true place of oneness with myself.
Watching the ants go about their work along the branches.
The birds soaring the thermals that are ever present above my home.
I was watching a living breathing world of art that felt all my own.
My thoughts-My Voice- My visions-Me
Hoping to stay there unnoticed for as long as I could.
Not wanting to be confined by the voices of others who couldn’t understand me.
Who wouldn’t take the time to really see me.
We must think anew and we must act anew where Abraham Lincolns words as he was facing the greatest crisis that this nation has ever endured: the Civil War.
New thought, new action- how simple that sounds and how difficult it truly is yet so rewarding. Changing the pattern of thinking to meet new conditions or new challenges depends on you.
One day I was walking through the house and came upon a lonely sock just laying on the floor. Now, I deeply stood above the sock thinking of the different ways I could change my way of thinking towards this sock that ultimately needed to be picked up anyways. Why was this moment so clear on how I could fix myself by how I reacted to this stupid sock.
My normal incorrect response to this sock would have been to just step over it knowing I would have to pick it up later along with the other items that have accumulated on the floor from my children being kids.
For the first time in a long time, I truly wanted to pick up this sad looking sock, it wanted to be cleaned and safely tucked in with its mate to be worn a new day.
I used this vision to put into action my “act anew” lifestyle. From that day forth I changed towards who I wanted to be. I lost 100 pounds naturally and healthy which I had fun doing. I was proud of how my growth brought me to such a life changing moment. All within a moment that included a single plain sock and me both upon a cluttered floor. We all need to find a switch of change within ourselves. The first step is changing one thing….anything