An Angel of My Very Own.

My Baby I lost became the Angel around me.

 

 As I lay in the emergency room bed.

   I saw the doctor’s face as he came through the sliding glass door. A look that made me feel like all the air in the world had been ripped away from my lips.

A sigh he made, with his head down, trying to avoid direct eye contact with me. A father at that moment I saw in him, from the pained look in his eyes that only a father could show.

   I looked over to my husband and knew, he too felt the news we were about to receive.

Our baby had died.

As the doctor said, “We couldn’t locate the heartbeat”.

It felt as if I, myself had no beating heart. I felt overwhelmed with such grief that I went numb.

I knew it must be for some cosmic reason that this pregnancy came to an end with such quiet intent. We drove home that late night without saying much. My eyes leaking with tears as I tried to be strong not wanting to break down and appear weak in front of my family.

The next day I went to my doctor’s office to have an ultrasound praying all the way that a miracle might happen.

There I saw a perfect little baby curled up within mine.

He would have been my fourth child, who we named Kenji.

I was told that his heart stopped beating maybe a week before.

She was amazed at how perfect he still seemed to be, all safe and cozy inside. If she didn’t know for certain his heart were not beating she would have said he’s picture perfect.

My body had not yet started to reject this life that once was.

I was told my options, of what could be done next. They could remove his tiny lemon sized body or I could allow nature to take its course. I decided to let my body release him when it was ready.

Well, two weeks went by and nothing. No pain, no bleeding….nothing.

Had they been wrong?  

So again into the doctors I went. Again with another ultrasound.

Again there he was just as perfect as he was the weeks before, frozen in time, but sadly no heart beat was heard.

They couldn’t say for sure why my body was acting as if nothing had happened, but unlike all my emotions in which the plan of pretending made everything okay.

I couldn’t fake this pain away.   Something now had to be done. My emotional and physical state all telling me I was still pregnant was too much to bear.

I chose to get the surgery so I could start to heal. A decision which was very hard to make.

Two days later….

As I waiting for the operation to start I again asked to see once more this baby inside that I would never hold, never smell his magical breath, or feel his soft skin. I would never hear him cry that I might comfort him. I needed to make sure one last time his heart beat no more. 

He truly was gone. I would now have to say good-bye for real.

When I awoke from the surgery the emotional pain that weld up inside exploded without warning.

I sobbed like never before as I held my womb, I gasped a low airy breath, releasing the words, “my baby” as I knew he was no more inside me.

He would be 9 this year and quite the handful I am sure. I can see his smile and crazy hair as he runs through the door. A smile just for me, his mama. In those visions he lives Perfect as perfect can be.

Yes, it was hard to get through these emotions.  It’s most difficult when I say I have 5 children because really I have six.

He was real and he did live.

His beating heart I once heard and continue to hear. He’s with me everyday.  

An angel of my very own which my body once held.

Never will you be forgotten my little one for it’s you who allowed me to grieve for the life that was lost in me.

My tears of sadness did finally flow allowing tears of joy to grow.

Thank you Kenji! 

Love you,  Mama

Seventeen


Oh daughter how I love you so. 

You break my heart when you think you’re grown. 

You fight with all your might to be anything but like me. 

Only because you know not yet what it’s like to be set free. 

Your mind is racing to find your place and trust me when I say you give life so much grace. 

I know one day you will understand why I needed to hold your hand. 

Please remember I love you so and I  will never just let you go. 

A woman you see yourself to be maybe most would  have to agree. 

So just where does that leave this mom that is me. 

I promised you when I snuggled you to my chest I would love you my absolute best. 

Nothing can be done that could make me love you any less. 

And yes,  I really am trying my very best within this beautiful, beautiful mess. 

As I put my hand to my chest and take a deep breath I vow together you and I will pass this crazy life test. 

Seeing The Beauty In Faith

Seeing The Beauty         The morning of September 11, 2001 was that of a clear beautiful sky. The sun was shinning as we drove across the country in our little Toyota car pulling a Uhaul that looked like it was constructed in the fifties.
We had left Wisconsin to start a new beginning in our hometown of Oceanside, California. A move we had been looking forward to for awhile.

We were crossing Kansas, an endless landscape of green plains and farming fields. As I looked out at the sight before me I noticed that I hadn’t seen any planes or jet lines in the sky. I have always looked to the sky because my father is a pilot. So seeing no planes was odd.
This was the Bluest most lonely sky I have ever seen, and I knew something must not be right. I was not prepared for what we were about to find out, the US had been attacked.
Fear and worry instantly filled me. I mean, come on, we were in the middle of nowhere. What danger might come about we were unaware, but we prayed we would reach our new home with no real issues.
We weren’t quite sure just how bad things were until we stopped to get gas and the line of cars was unbelievable. Gas prices were getting higher and higher in the smaller towns were drove through only for a short bit, thank God. Then the truth of what really happened hit hard when we stopped at a fast food restaurant. On the counter was an old antennae tv showing the planes hit the twin towers. I can remember the tears welling up as I held my breath. “Could this really be happening”? My husband put his arm around me and simply said. “We can do this”. I looked down at my children and smiled trying to show them all was okay.
So many thoughts were flooding through my mind, some were a little far fetched, like, “Holy shit it’s the end of the world and we might have to eat our little Lhasa Apso dog named Saki, or maybe we couldn’t even get to California….what were our options?”.
I’m sure we all had those weird off the wall thinking before we really knew what was happening. For us, we were on a mission to not only reach our destination but to live in the moment. I wasn’t going to allow the hate of another ruin our memories or taint our new beginning.
We decided to turn the radio off since there wasn’t anything we could do to but pray to change what was happening not just in New York but all over the country. We started singing children’s songs and playing car games so the energy in the car was that of peace and stillness.
After we made the faithful choice to put our trip in the hands of God the journey became that of new eyes. People everywhere were stressed and scared scurrying about trying to buy whatever they could for the fear of being without. Yet we were safe and purely happy in our little bubble.
Yes, I was still thinking of what was the reality of the moment, but it was hard not to have faith. I believe in something bigger than myself.
The next day we had car trouble and had to get our alternator replaced. Money was already tight, but we again had faith. The small garage we stopped at not only fixed the car in record time but did it free of charge because the credit card machines were down. What a blessing and a sign that we were in the hands of safety. Good people are everywhere and their lights shine in the darkest of hours. I am thankful for the all the kind people we encountered during this move. “Thank You”!
Everything had a more colorful vibrancy. This I give credit to my faith.
I imagined the families crossing on the Oregon Trail and being thankful I didn’t have to deal with grandma dying, johnny losing an arm,or  Indians attacking us. (for all of you that know the game Oregon Trail) LOL
Yet, here we were dealing with trials of a different kind, but the common ground I held with the days of the past were that of faith of getting to a new home.

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As we stood at a rest stop in Colorado high above the land on top of a mountain I saw more than just troubled times. I saw beauty unlike I have seen before. I was thankful for where we were and wished that everyone grieving could for but a moment stand there next to me to take in the landscape to bring just a moment of joy a moment of the bigger picture.
I was looking at the Land of the Free a land being attacked by hate and ugly intentions. Brave, Free men and women willing to fight for our country and in that moment I knew we as Americans would be okay….We would be also.
Our country is founded on dreams and visions of a better way of life. This one day caused such sadness for millions. It was a day where ordinary people became heroes when they helped their fellow man.
I am forever thankful that I was able to stand on top of that mountain in the fresh air and sun shining on my face. I feel incredibly lucky to have been Given such the pleasure of that feeling.

The Sock That Saved Me

Start Over.

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We must think anew and we must act anew where Abraham Lincolns words as he was facing the greatest crisis that this nation has ever endured: the Civil War.

New thought, new action- how simple that sounds and how difficult it truly is yet so rewarding. Changing the pattern of thinking to meet new conditions  or new challenges depends on you.

One day I was walking through the house and came upon a lonely sock just laying on the floor. Now, I deeply stood above the sock thinking of the different ways I could change my way of thinking towards this sock that ultimately needed to be picked up anyways. Why was this moment so clear on how I could fix myself by how I reacted to this stupid sock.

My normal incorrect response to this sock would have been to just step over it knowing I would have to pick it up later along with the other items that have accumulated on the floor from my children being kids.

For the first time in a long time, I truly wanted to pick up this sad looking sock, it wanted to be cleaned and safely tucked in with its mate to be worn a new day.

I used this vision to put into action my “act anew” lifestyle. From that day forth I changed towards who I wanted to be. I lost 100 pounds naturally and healthy which I had fun doing. I was proud of how my growth brought me to such a life changing moment. All within a moment that included a single plain sock and me both upon a cluttered floor.  We all need to find a switch of change within ourselves. The first step is changing one thing….anything

Hiding Within Myself.

Broken down into tiny pieces unable to be whole again-cracks and chips keep me from being used completely.

How sad I am. That I am the only, still unused but abused version of me.

How many more days must I endure this feeling of emptiness?

Dark and Alone all broken in and out.

Doesn’t someone still see the beauty which I could be?

If only someone took the time and patience to truly restore the hidden me.

I know God is watching and asking me to be patient to trust that He has a plan.

Even here in my alone place of brokenness. A place where I know He will mend me and not just fix me but He will Create a whole New Me with the broken pieces in my hands.

I ask and ask…. yet I feel sad because no help is being sent to aid with the dents of my persistence..

Here I will wait within the safety of my hurts and pains….waiting for the day  when my Brokenness turns into Brilliance. For then I will share the Joys of of Hiding within Myself.

For it was in this place I FOUND The Beauty I was meant to be.

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Hiding Within Myself. Artwork By:TheSweetlyFierceSoul

 

I know it’s in “one” of these notebooks…

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I’ve been writing in notebooks, journals, pocketbooks, napkins, or anything at close hand when an idea strikes for the past twenty years.  Its amazing how well I do remember writing a certain idea down. I could tell you where on the page I wrote it, or what color pen I used. Why is it that I can’t remember where i put the dang notebook?!

Having children does not help this crazy disorganized problem.

Mixed within the pages are drawings and writings of all five of my children. Memories of joy and troubled times entangled with the latest masterpiece of a three year old, “Which I might add is colored over my writings”.

I’m learning that my mind is so much like these notebooks. Little tid bits here and there are always fresh and easily remembered, but the stuff that needs to be worked on is safely tucked away next to some random piece of knowledge I cant quite seem to link together to get a full picture.

Emotions and feelings change in the form of words only because we’ve been told to label what we feel. What if the label we’ve been giving our own feelings  isn’t the correct one for us personally. What happens to our thought process when this is done? Maybe I am just different and its time to start labeling “my” memories for me.  I’m sure so many others have no problem with memories or emotions and the day to day life that flows with each. But for me, who is an Empath at the highest level…..I struggle with finding the true “me”.

Having Empathy is like being an on call Concierge. My mind is always showing me visions of what others are in need of. People I don’t even know, their needs jump to the top of the list making my own needs hidden within theirs.  I’m so frustrated with not knowing what i want until someone else is in need. Example:” I haven’t had a drink of water in awhile but I am not thirsty until I get my child a drink of water because they are thirsty, and then when doing this i realize Holy Crap I’m so thirsty….as I drink like a camel from the kitchen sink”

“I know being a young mother at the age of seventeen hasn’t helped this situation at all, but how and when does a mother finally start thinking of herself without the shame of being selfish…even if for just a glass of water. Something so easy yet so hard because of the misguided labeling of my own feelings.”