“Her wounds of silent tears
showing those of us who love her,
That her sweetly fierce soul is
forever growing”. ~sweetlyfiercesoul
As I lay in the emergency room bed.
I saw the doctor’s face as he came through the sliding glass door. A look that made me feel like all the air in the world had been ripped away from my lips.
A sigh he made, with his head down, trying to avoid direct eye contact with me. A father at that moment I saw in him, from the pained look in his eyes that only a father could show.
I looked over to my husband and knew, he too felt the news we were about to receive.
Our baby had died.
As the doctor said, “We couldn’t locate the heartbeat”.
It felt as if I, myself had no beating heart. I felt overwhelmed with such grief that I went numb.
I knew it must be for some cosmic reason that this pregnancy came to an end with such quiet intent. We drove home that late night without saying much. My eyes leaking with tears as I tried to be strong not wanting to break down and appear weak in front of my family.
The next day I went to my doctor’s office to have an ultrasound praying all the way that a miracle might happen.
There I saw a perfect little baby curled up within mine.
He would have been my fourth child, who we named Kenji.
I was told that his heart stopped beating maybe a week before.
She was amazed at how perfect he still seemed to be, all safe and cozy inside. If she didn’t know for certain his heart were not beating she would have said he’s picture perfect.
My body had not yet started to reject this life that once was.
I was told my options, of what could be done next. They could remove his tiny lemon sized body or I could allow nature to take its course. I decided to let my body release him when it was ready.
Well, two weeks went by and nothing. No pain, no bleeding….nothing.
Had they been wrong?
So again into the doctors I went. Again with another ultrasound.
Again there he was just as perfect as he was the weeks before, frozen in time, but sadly no heart beat was heard.
They couldn’t say for sure why my body was acting as if nothing had happened, but unlike all my emotions in which the plan of pretending made everything okay.
I couldn’t fake this pain away. Something now had to be done. My emotional and physical state all telling me I was still pregnant was too much to bear.
I chose to get the surgery so I could start to heal. A decision which was very hard to make.
Two days later….
As I waiting for the operation to start I again asked to see once more this baby inside that I would never hold, never smell his magical breath, or feel his soft skin. I would never hear him cry that I might comfort him. I needed to make sure one last time his heart beat no more.
He truly was gone. I would now have to say good-bye for real.
When I awoke from the surgery the emotional pain that weld up inside exploded without warning.
I sobbed like never before as I held my womb, I gasped a low airy breath, releasing the words, “my baby” as I knew he was no more inside me.
He would be 9 this year and quite the handful I am sure. I can see his smile and crazy hair as he runs through the door. A smile just for me, his mama. In those visions he lives Perfect as perfect can be.
Yes, it was hard to get through these emotions. It’s most difficult when I say I have 5 children because really I have six.
He was real and he did live.
His beating heart I once heard and continue to hear. He’s with me everyday.
An angel of my very own which my body once held.
Never will you be forgotten my little one for it’s you who allowed me to grieve for the life that was lost in me.
My tears of sadness did finally flow allowing tears of joy to grow.
Thank you Kenji!
Love you, Mama
A bird carries it on her back.
Through the wind she flies.
No storm will hinder her.
As sure as that bird can fly.
She will not let love fall.
So on she goes.
Carrying her love for all.
Soaring over lands and oceans.
High above you.
Rainbows of memories.
Rains of cleansing.
Love is always there.
What will you do with the love that was carried for you?
So sweet a gesture.
A bird of yours above.
Love so strong.
Now carry it on.
Wings of love.
Made just for you.”
“My mind lyrically writing the movements of my breath.
Noticing the unseen to the unaware.
Feeling the need to pen each and every scene which flashes through my mind.
Knowing, I am almost near “thee”.
“There” is the spot I feel
Pulling me near
Seeing the vision intended for truly only one, which is me
Beauty gnaws at me
For what I see
For what is this intended for, shouldn’t
All beauty radiate into the very matter of our core.
Filling the empty space within our breath.
We who share this very unworldly air.
Emerging with any and all who feel upon with knowing.
This might just be worth showing.
Right where it sleeps.
Through the shattered and hidden place of me.
Showing all the folds of me.
The pain of the void in which we see.
It touches the most inner part of me
Dark and twisting it rests
Waiting to be seen.
Light causes such unraveling.
Release of our breath.
Pens the most beautiful dark depths of me
Sending you on a journey through my memories
Pulling and molding the essence of you through me
Waiting to yield the most tender of thee
Sharing the story of which we, “My Love”
Are meant to be
Flowing forever endlessly
Creating thee story in which maybe, just maybe
Others may see, just how sweet a pure Love can be
Freshly levitating to the eye of me
Allowing you to see all that could be
Some may call Destiny
But this is just the most inner part of me
Releasing not only one
But so much more of me
Waiting for your breath
To be penned within the beauty of me
Holding an abundance of acceptance of Thee
For my Trust
You Did see
Allowing to be created
All I see.
The Love that lives in me.”
Since I am having one of those days where I feel I need to be brave and just rip the band aid off. I feel as if I am among friends which I thank you all for.
Here is a video of my daughter (13) and I singing.
We were having dinner at grandmas and she wanted me to hear her play this song she just learned. We didn’t practice it and its no where near perfect but its perfect to me. We did one take and this is it.
It’s amazing how we send ourselves messages without even knowing the impact it will later have on our lives. I see this and know that I am on the right path. I am saying something now.
Only a few who are close to me know that I had a brain injury as a result of seizures that I suffered in 2011.
I was one of those rare people who got a seizure from playing a PS3 game called Black Ops.
At the beginning of the games you normally see a warning (I should have listened) letting you know that this could happen, but to who….to me.
I seem to have the rare luck gene. I have had a few rare medical mysteries like Bells Palsy at the age 11, twisted bowel, and nerves that are in places they normally shouldn’t be.
Okay, so the first seizure I had left the left side of my body numb for a few hours. Something I was used to because of the lasting side effects of Bells Palsy which left my left side partly numb since I was 11.
I was having horrible blinding migraines that seemed to be never-ending. For most migraine sufferers an easy shot or medication would bring relief, well, not for me. Anything that was suppose to help made me worst. A diagnosis of a Hemiplegic Migraine was given.
It’s basically a hurricane affect. A migraine starting and then building in strength starting a cycle which is very hard to stop.
I was ordered to bed in a dark room with absolutely no noise which lasted 9 weeks. I had just had my fifth child less than a year before. So having no noise was impossible. Sadly my children spent 8 weeks at their grandparents house while I was on 24 hour around the clock care.
Not only was I enduring the pain of an ongoing migraine, but was suffering 30-33 seizures a day.
This is where my life started to change.
The swelling in my brain was so great that it started to change my personality, my handwriting and my basic thoughts.
I started losing memories and forgetting to do normal everyday tasks like the need to eat. I wasn’t feeling any other pain in my body because the pain in my head was so great. My husband would find horrible bruises on my arms and legs from where I fell or banged into something which I was unaware because I just didn’t feel it.
I felt like a prisoner in my own body.
I wanted to share this because sometimes I may not make sense and I kinda ramble, but at the time it seems so clear in my head. Just know this might be the reason I sound like an alien. (I might be) 😉
My thoughts sometimes become so intense that I don’t realize just how crazy I may sound to others around me.
I went through a period of time (almost 2 years) where I truly forgot who I was. I was paranoid and really thought I was the only person on the planet. Lets just say, I thought (as well as everyone around me) I was straight up crazy.
We ended up moving in with my mother to help with the kids and help give me much-needed help of the daily responsibilities that I just wasn’t able to figure out on my own.
My hearing changed, I now hear tones and frequencies that others don’t.
My vision also changed, I see lights and beams reflecting and moving. Mostly around items that have some sort of electrical current or signal.
The way I relate to people is very different. I used to be very outgoing and unafraid to be social, but for the past few years I have literally kept myself at home because my senses are so overwhelmed when I go into crowed areas. This really is the most difficult part. I am a singer. I have sung my whole life and now the fear of the stage is terrifying.
I’ve always been very intuitive, but after the massive headache that lasted 9 weeks something is most definitely different with in me.
Is this a blessing that I started to know quantum mechanics and algorithms, or a hinderance because I’m consumed by amazing facts that I obviously never learned from books but from random thoughts that pop into my head.
I’ve struggled with paranoia to a point where I threw all my devices into the bathtub thinking they were watching me. No joke.
I’ve come a long way without medication. Which doctors are amazed by.
I chose to ride it out. I followed the craziness into the darkness and kept asking how? or why?
with doing this I learned about such randomness but found common links in all of it.
Through all of this the one thing that kept me on a good path was music.
The vibrations and beats flowed through me like an internal language that I understand yet couldn’t write down. I struggled with expressing my feelings and point of view. I wasn’t the cuddly mama that I once was. Which for my family was like a death. It was for me also.
I was mourning my own death.
I wasnt who I was a few years ago. I am more now like I was when I was a child. I don’t worry about things. I see things with a child like imagination which I had lost during my early adult years like so many of us. The illness that I had opened the gate to that place which I thought I was locked out of forever.
So I may write from a crazy or way out there kinda way. Just know I KNOW I’M CRAZY, so therefore, I mustn’t be.?!
What I learned and still learning is…. It was me who chose to get better. That I can do anything I set my mind to. That My mind is a beautiful and complicated place filled with creative imagination that I no longer want to hide. Faith is real and lives in my every breath which I now need to share.
For my learning of who I am came from the Crazy.
As clouds by
My days and nights grow weary
As I watch the sky fly by
Remember this….Passing by
Clouds never remain the same
They are ever changing
Remain strong and true to your ground you walk
For the sun will surely shine soon
For the clouds pass by as the minutes of everyday
A passing Sun
A passing Star
A passing person
Be the the “thing” that stands firm and watches the changing world
No mater what passes you by
Choose to see the beauty in whatever remains
Stay with God
For He never passes us by.