Learning In the Crazy

Learning Through the CrazyOnly a few who are close to me know that I had a brain injury as a result of seizures that I suffered in 2011.

I was one of those rare people who got a seizure from playing a PS3 game called Black Ops.

At the beginning of the games you normally see a warning (I should have listened) letting you know that this could happen, but to who….to me.

I seem to have the rare luck gene. I have had a few rare medical mysteries like Bells Palsy at the age 11, twisted bowel, and nerves that are in places they normally shouldn’t be.
Okay, so the first seizure I had  left the left side of my body numb for a few hours. Something I was used to because of the lasting side effects of Bells Palsy which left my left side partly numb since I was 11.

I was having horrible blinding migraines that seemed to be never-ending. For most migraine sufferers an easy shot or medication would bring relief, well, not for me. Anything that was suppose to help made me worst. A diagnosis of a Hemiplegic Migraine was given.
It’s basically a hurricane affect. A migraine starting and then building in strength starting a cycle which is very hard to stop.
I was ordered to bed in a dark room with absolutely no noise which lasted 9 weeks. I had just had my fifth child less than a year before. So having no noise was impossible. Sadly my children spent 8 weeks at their grandparents house while I was on 24 hour around the clock care.
Not only was I enduring the pain of an ongoing migraine, but was suffering 30-33 seizures a day.
This is where my life started to change.
The swelling in my brain was so great that it started to change my personality, my handwriting and my basic thoughts.
I started losing memories and forgetting to do normal everyday tasks like the need to eat. I wasn’t feeling any other pain in my body because the pain in my head was so great. My husband would find horrible bruises on my arms and legs from where I fell or banged into something which I was unaware because I just didn’t feel it.

I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

I wanted to share this because sometimes I may not make sense and I kinda ramble, but at the time it seems so clear in my head. Just know this might be the reason I sound like an alien. (I might be) 😉
My thoughts sometimes become so intense that I don’t realize just how crazy I may sound to others around me.
I went through a period of time (almost 2 years) where I truly forgot who I was. I was paranoid and really thought I was the only person on the planet. Lets just say, I thought (as well as everyone around me) I was straight up crazy.
We ended up moving in with my mother to help with the kids and help give me much-needed help of the daily responsibilities that I just wasn’t able to figure out on my own.
My hearing changed, I now hear tones and frequencies that others don’t.
My vision also changed, I see lights and beams reflecting and moving. Mostly around items that have some sort of electrical current or signal.

The way I relate to people is very different. I used to be very outgoing and unafraid to be social, but for the past few years I have literally kept myself at home because my senses are so overwhelmed when I go into crowed areas. This really is the most difficult part.  I am a singer. I have sung my whole life and now the fear of the stage is terrifying.

I’ve always been very intuitive, but after the massive headache that lasted 9 weeks something is most definitely different with in me.
Is this a blessing that I started to know quantum mechanics and algorithms, or a hinderance because I’m consumed by amazing facts that I obviously never learned from books but from random thoughts that pop into my head.
I’ve struggled with paranoia to a point where I threw all my devices into the bathtub thinking they were watching me. No joke.
I’ve come a long way without medication. Which doctors are amazed by.
I chose to ride it out. I followed the craziness into the darkness and kept asking how? or why?
with doing this I learned about such randomness but found common links in all of it.
Through all of this the one thing that kept me on a good path was music.

The vibrations and beats flowed through me like an internal language that I understand yet couldn’t write down. I struggled with expressing my feelings and point of view. I wasn’t the cuddly mama that I once was. Which for my family was like a death. It was for me also.

I was mourning my own death.

I wasnt who I was a few years ago. I am more now like I was when I was a child. I don’t worry about things. I see things with a child like imagination which I had lost during my early adult years like so many of us. The illness that I had opened the gate to that place which I thought I was locked out of forever.
So I may write from a crazy or way out there kinda way. Just know I KNOW I’M CRAZY, so therefore, I mustn’t be.?!

What I learned and still learning is…. It was me who chose to get better. That I can do anything I set my mind to. That My mind is a beautiful and complicated place filled with creative imagination that I no longer want to hide. Faith is real and lives in my every breath which I now need to share.

For my learning of who I am came from the Crazy.

 

10 thoughts on “Learning In the Crazy

  1. Wow. So you can see radio waves (like from wireless or “energized” devices)? Did the music help the pain of the migraine level off? I have a friend whose child has an undiagnosed migraine which is constant. I am so sorry that you are suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it’s like a foggy pixel static I see. I live with constant goosebumps as well.
      It can get quite interesting when I am in a crowded area. At night we turn the wifi off while we sleep. I found it was keeping me awake. Once we did that the flashes behind my eyes stopped as well as the weird random thoughts keeping me awake. Most days it feels as if I am “on call”. My family has learned if they can’t get a strong wifi signal, they come by me. Lol for some reason it works. 😀
      Tones and frequencies helped with the headaches. (Binaural beats) I put my headphones on and then try to find the sound that relieves the pain. It’s like an itch being able to be scratched in my head. I use Apple Music but they can be found on YouTube also. (Frequency migraine relieve)
      Life is very different but so much more exciting. I am not suffering any more. I just learned that I needed to find what worked for me no matter what others said could or could not be possible.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Frustrating yes! I remember just being incredibly lonely. Feeling like I was broken which made others fear being around me was heartbreaking, yet understandable.
      The games are a hard one because we are a gaming family. I no longer play as I once did. I could not do that to my family again.

      Liked by 2 people

      • And to you too…

        Find some other kind of games that don’t involved getting seizures…

        Oooooh my.. being avoided by love ❤️ ones is the worst…

        But it’s easier.. when you don’t understand and know how to deal with the condition..
        just don’t get back there..

        Again… glad 😁 to have you back.. you sweet soul

        Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG! I had no idea (of course) everything you’d been through with this! I can’t imagine the strength reserves you’ve had to tap to get through this especially with children. I will be thinking about you! Thank you for sharing 😮

    Liked by 1 person

    • I tend to forget all these facts about my life. The illness alone are enough for a couple of books, but I forget. I have moments where I feel the creeping of the numb brain again and I repeat the words, “The sky is blue the grass is green” The only words at the time this all happened I knew to be true. So I still use them which instantly calms me down, and then I forget again. It has been a rough road, but we are all still together learning a new way of living. They had told me at one point I may never walk again or I might not live. So to be here and breathing is so much more then anyone thought possible. I guess I am just too damn stubborn. Thanks for the thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

      • My daughter had several bleeds/hemmorhages when she was small that left her with seizures after surgery. I only know a tiny, tiny portion of what you must have gone through. It’s terrifying from the outside. You are courageous and positive. My best to you 😶

        Liked by 1 person

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